Yes, it does. Sex starts in the brain. Your perception of sex will color every other aspect of sex no matter how good your lover is. This is tough and difficult to discuss for some women, not to mention tough and difficult to overcome negative perceptions of sex. So let me say this before I begin the rest of my thoughts:
- If you have ever had a traumatic sexual experience, you will need to find help through this or else you may never reach a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship with your spouse.
- If you had an influence in your childhood who portrayed sex as negative in any way, you will have to figure out how to reprogram your brain to think of sex as good, a gift from God, for you & your spouse.
- If you do not enjoy sex physically, you could be one of the unfortunate few whose body doesn't respond to sexual stimulation. Please talk to your doctor and make sure your husband is aware so that you are not deceiving him "for his sake".
Please don't read into anything about my being insensitive if you are in one of the groups above. With that on the table, I can begin.
Your sexuality has been developing ever since you started becoming aware of things like the differences in men & women, the interaction of those who were romantically involved (namely, your parents), pregnant women, and so forth. Then your exposure widened into relationships on TV, possible dating of your own as a teen, and unfortunate scenes in movies. If you had a strong father or father figure who expressed healthy affection towards you, you are probably the best off! My dad would constantly tell my sister & me how beautiful we were even if we had just rolled out of bed in our night shirts with hair disheveled and morning breath raging. He hugged us, gave us kisses and affirmed us constantly as lovely young women. That is POWERFUL. Even during my homely days as a tween & young teen I never really had any complexes about my looks or weight. If you've seen those pictures, you know how big of a deal that is! I was morphing through puberty…
If you did not have that kind of influence, then you relied more on books, stories from others, seeing friends' dads love them genuinely, or went without. I'm really, really sorry for that. And this is a huge reason why dads are SO important to our children! They help both boys & girls develop their sexuality in a healthy way when shown what a real man is like. We moms are also quite important, but that's understood. Most families are falling apart not because mom left. Unfortunate but true.
But even if you were not privileged to be guided by a great dad, you can restore your mindset on sex. Most books on changing your thought patterns suggest that your mind needs to have something to chew on. So if you take a negative thought away, it must be replaced with a positive one. So start there. Make a list even. Take that list, decide it's Satan's way of tainting this God-given gift of sex, and burn it! Then make a new list with as many items as the previous. Hang it on your mirror, put it in your journal, tape it to the dashboard or visor in your car, or post it on the fridge! Ladies, it must be present in your day to day in order to reset your mind. Otherwise, those negative thoughts you supposedly burned will resurrect from the ashes and make their way back to your subconscious. DO NOT DEFEAT YOURSELF BEFORE YOU EVEN START! If sex is something you want more of, better of in your life, then please hear me out and find a way to bombard your brain with the good thoughts on sex.
Maybe your list looks like this:
Negative
1. He always wants it.
2. It just feels dirty.
3. I don't feel comfortable.
4. I still don't know why he wants "that" all the time.
5. I'm so tired.
6. I can't forgive myself for _____________.
7. I can't forgive him for ___________.
8. He STILL hasn't helped me with any of the housework.
9. I don't know if he even likes to see me naked.
10. He always wants the lights on!
Sound familiar? Now burn it (yes, burn it!) and make a new list on a fresh, clean sheet of pretty paper. 1-10
Positive
1. He is always really excited when I tell him yes.
2. He is absolutely lovey dovey the entire next day!
3. He seems to listen so much better the next few days afterward.
4. I feel sexier with candlelight.
5. When I do feel up to it, it is really fun!
6. I feel more comfortable when the kids aren't home.
7. He does always remember our anniversary/my birthday.
8. It is kind of fun when we have pillow talk.
9. He does give really great shoulder/foot massages.
10. He is good about having music play.
These may seem silly to you. But when we think about sex with our mates, it's hard not to be a little teenager feeling and giddy, right? That's GOOD! You don't want that to go away. Flirtatious behavior is a GREAT type of foreplay and keeps you longing for each other.
Now that you've made your list, post it high & low & all over to stay in your brain regularly throughout the day. Maybe you'll add on. But be sure to let that list wash over your thoughts incessantly. And take some time to pray over your list and ask God to help you develop that sense of longing and sensuality for your man, not to mention to truly erase the negative thoughts. Maybe it needs to be part of your quiet time in the mornings or before bed. Remember God wants you to have healthy sex life! You are fulfilling his plan for marriage and sustaining the bond that no one should ever sever.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. Whew! I'll be back for more later. This is THE perfect time of year to get your sex life on track because it's typically cold outside. Who wants to stay warm???
Happy Thanksgiving!
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Monday, November 25, 2013
Christian Women & Their Sexuality: Part 1
I've decided to dust off my blog and get back into sharing some things that may be helpful or insightful for some. I have many things that weigh on my heart regularly, but I only have expertise on some things. And, as most of you know, I have expertise on SEX! So here's where I begin. Exciting, right? This is mainly a line of posts mainly for Christian women and what God has to say about our sexuality and how to apply it in our marriages and/or lives. And there's more to sexuality than just the physical manifestation. This is going to be fun! So make sure you say a prayer before you start reading these and find your Bible when necessary. God has some great things for us to know about who were are as sexual beings.
Firstly, for us Christian wives out there, did you know there was a study done in the recent past that showed that the most sexually satisfied group of people in the US were married Christian women??? Really? Yes! (See: This guy's blog) I think the stereotype for this group would be quite the opposite. However, this goes to show that sex and sexual satisfaction isn't all in the endorphins and Oxytocin rush. Sex begins in a place most unbelieving people think unnecessary when acting sexually - the brain. Sex is not just a basic instinct as some Hollywood types would suggest. Sex is not just a reaction to a stimulation either. Of course, it can be, but that is taking only a sliver of what sex really is and tossing out the rest of the fulfilling genius God put behind the physical act. Sex was designed by God to be a way of connecting on the most intimate levels for humans. One way to show this and prove that human copulation isn't just physical is that humans are the only created beings on the planet who can enjoy sex face to face, eye to eye, body to body. (We can discuss the creative alternatives to this another time. That's not the point.) Another way to show that human sex is different from animal sex is that both the male and female human can experience pleasure in the sexual act. For female animals, this isn't so. It's strictly an act to promote procreation to continue the family line. And it's anything but enjoyable for her. Plus, choosing a mate is based solely on how physically superior he is to produce similar offspring. As humans, we have found that having connections beyond the physical before the physical creates a better level of intimacy.
So beginning in the brain, ladies, let's take a look into how we should be thinking about sex for our husbands before ever acting on it.
Your thoughts about sex have been shaped since you were a little kid. And depending on the types of influences you had as a child your views of sex had/have developed. This is where it can get tricky and can take some serious Holy Spirit work to get you on the same page as God (and your man!) when it comes to fulfilling your marriage vows and pleasing your man.
*Just a side note, we'll only be scratching the surface today and then break these down as we go. I do have 2 boys to wrangle in the process! Time is precious.
1. God decided that we LEAVE & CLEAVE to one another when we get married. This means a lot; mainly, you are now a wife before being a daughter (or friend or sister or employee). Did everybody read that? It means your priority changes to having your husband 2nd ONLY to God and your relationship with Him. So the process begins of training yourself to be a wife. Many times easier said than done. It means your honey is now your #1 advocate and co-problem solver and recreational companion and so on. If you have a lot on your mind, it should probably be shared with him...FIRST. This one sometimes means taking a blazing hot machete to the apron strings or whatever other binding you have that is misplaced before him.
2. God designed us to be his helpmate. Now this old-fashioned word can mean many things to many people. Here's the actual definition: a companion and helper, a spouse. We HELP our husbands in so many ways. We are really good at helping! And most of us find great joy and satisfaction in helping others. Unfortunately, because of certain cultural pressures and influences, we sometimes help everyone else before our husband. Not healthy. And this doesn't mean that he needs your constant attention. If you married well, he's a big boy and can handle himself. But there is a special list of needs that is reserved solely for YOU to meet. And trust me, he will be grateful you HELPED him!
3. God designed us to submit to his authority. Uh, oh. She said it! She just went all 1950s on us! No, I didn't. I went all biblical and godly on you. Sometimes we let culture and popular beliefs interfere with our faith and skew principles that are timeless and trustworthy. This being one. Please realize that most people read that at first glance defensively thinking, "I don't need a man to submit to. I'm plenty competent to take care of myself." Yes, you are…most of you. :-) However, when you decide to submit to God's authority and then to the vow of marriage, you have bound yourself to relinquish all that sass and necessary self-reliance to the health and wellness of your marriage. Not that it disappears. If you know me, you realize that ain't ever happening! But it means that I know where my allegiance lies. I trust that God has put in place a perfect harmony of companionship between Monte and me. We have an incredible friendship within our marriage, and his job is to protect our marriage and family by leading and guiding us. Who am I to take away his masculinity and his God-given job?? Anyone want to question God's wisdom? Have fun with that. If you can't trust your husband, then question from where that symptom is derived. Is it an intimacy problem? Has he broken your trust? Do you need some counseling? Did you marry for the wrong reasons? Whatever it is God is powerful enough to work through it and make it a beautiful redemption story if both of you are willing.
4. God designed us to enjoy each other sexually. Yes. The icing on the cake of marriage! If this doesn't make you smile, then please keep reading this blog! Sex can be the pinnacle of awesomeness of physical relationships. Please don't miss out. And I'm not just talking about the pleasure. Part of why I want to talk about this so much is because I truly believe there is not enough sex happening in Christian marriages (or marriages period). It's like super glue for your vows. A healthy sex life is the litmus test for the health of your marriage. Obviously, circumstances like health, age, etc. can impede/limit sex in a relationship. But those are going to be implied in my discussion.
5. God designed us to be married our entire lives. So much on this one. We'll break this down much more later.
And with that, I leave you with well wishes and hopes for your return as we tackle this complicated subject. My hope is that you find ways to express your feelings to your husband and to God about sex in marriage and how it will significantly increase the joy in your life as a result.
Firstly, for us Christian wives out there, did you know there was a study done in the recent past that showed that the most sexually satisfied group of people in the US were married Christian women??? Really? Yes! (See: This guy's blog) I think the stereotype for this group would be quite the opposite. However, this goes to show that sex and sexual satisfaction isn't all in the endorphins and Oxytocin rush. Sex begins in a place most unbelieving people think unnecessary when acting sexually - the brain. Sex is not just a basic instinct as some Hollywood types would suggest. Sex is not just a reaction to a stimulation either. Of course, it can be, but that is taking only a sliver of what sex really is and tossing out the rest of the fulfilling genius God put behind the physical act. Sex was designed by God to be a way of connecting on the most intimate levels for humans. One way to show this and prove that human copulation isn't just physical is that humans are the only created beings on the planet who can enjoy sex face to face, eye to eye, body to body. (We can discuss the creative alternatives to this another time. That's not the point.) Another way to show that human sex is different from animal sex is that both the male and female human can experience pleasure in the sexual act. For female animals, this isn't so. It's strictly an act to promote procreation to continue the family line. And it's anything but enjoyable for her. Plus, choosing a mate is based solely on how physically superior he is to produce similar offspring. As humans, we have found that having connections beyond the physical before the physical creates a better level of intimacy.
So beginning in the brain, ladies, let's take a look into how we should be thinking about sex for our husbands before ever acting on it.
Your thoughts about sex have been shaped since you were a little kid. And depending on the types of influences you had as a child your views of sex had/have developed. This is where it can get tricky and can take some serious Holy Spirit work to get you on the same page as God (and your man!) when it comes to fulfilling your marriage vows and pleasing your man.
*Just a side note, we'll only be scratching the surface today and then break these down as we go. I do have 2 boys to wrangle in the process! Time is precious.
1. God decided that we LEAVE & CLEAVE to one another when we get married. This means a lot; mainly, you are now a wife before being a daughter (or friend or sister or employee). Did everybody read that? It means your priority changes to having your husband 2nd ONLY to God and your relationship with Him. So the process begins of training yourself to be a wife. Many times easier said than done. It means your honey is now your #1 advocate and co-problem solver and recreational companion and so on. If you have a lot on your mind, it should probably be shared with him...FIRST. This one sometimes means taking a blazing hot machete to the apron strings or whatever other binding you have that is misplaced before him.
2. God designed us to be his helpmate. Now this old-fashioned word can mean many things to many people. Here's the actual definition: a companion and helper, a spouse. We HELP our husbands in so many ways. We are really good at helping! And most of us find great joy and satisfaction in helping others. Unfortunately, because of certain cultural pressures and influences, we sometimes help everyone else before our husband. Not healthy. And this doesn't mean that he needs your constant attention. If you married well, he's a big boy and can handle himself. But there is a special list of needs that is reserved solely for YOU to meet. And trust me, he will be grateful you HELPED him!
3. God designed us to submit to his authority. Uh, oh. She said it! She just went all 1950s on us! No, I didn't. I went all biblical and godly on you. Sometimes we let culture and popular beliefs interfere with our faith and skew principles that are timeless and trustworthy. This being one. Please realize that most people read that at first glance defensively thinking, "I don't need a man to submit to. I'm plenty competent to take care of myself." Yes, you are…most of you. :-) However, when you decide to submit to God's authority and then to the vow of marriage, you have bound yourself to relinquish all that sass and necessary self-reliance to the health and wellness of your marriage. Not that it disappears. If you know me, you realize that ain't ever happening! But it means that I know where my allegiance lies. I trust that God has put in place a perfect harmony of companionship between Monte and me. We have an incredible friendship within our marriage, and his job is to protect our marriage and family by leading and guiding us. Who am I to take away his masculinity and his God-given job?? Anyone want to question God's wisdom? Have fun with that. If you can't trust your husband, then question from where that symptom is derived. Is it an intimacy problem? Has he broken your trust? Do you need some counseling? Did you marry for the wrong reasons? Whatever it is God is powerful enough to work through it and make it a beautiful redemption story if both of you are willing.
4. God designed us to enjoy each other sexually. Yes. The icing on the cake of marriage! If this doesn't make you smile, then please keep reading this blog! Sex can be the pinnacle of awesomeness of physical relationships. Please don't miss out. And I'm not just talking about the pleasure. Part of why I want to talk about this so much is because I truly believe there is not enough sex happening in Christian marriages (or marriages period). It's like super glue for your vows. A healthy sex life is the litmus test for the health of your marriage. Obviously, circumstances like health, age, etc. can impede/limit sex in a relationship. But those are going to be implied in my discussion.
5. God designed us to be married our entire lives. So much on this one. We'll break this down much more later.
And with that, I leave you with well wishes and hopes for your return as we tackle this complicated subject. My hope is that you find ways to express your feelings to your husband and to God about sex in marriage and how it will significantly increase the joy in your life as a result.
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