I am often asked how I am able to stay home while having a minister husband. It's not just one thing that allows us to make it work; it's several. Some of it is a mindset, some of it certain principles we live by, and some of it is just how we spend our money. Here are the reasons and ways we make it work. I hope something in here may be helpful or encouraging to everyone who reads. And maybe it'll inspire someone to be bold and alter their circumstances in order to stay home, save money, etc.
1. I still work. Yes, I bring home some bacon. It's not always a lot and it varies. But I've chosen a work form home business, which allows me the flexibility to work around what matters most to me: God & family. And I sell a product that is consumable, which gives me residual income even when I'm not actually working. And since I've been doing it for 12 years, I have a solid customer base.
2. We sacrifice luxuries. We understand and practice needs vs wants. So things like cable/satellite TV, eating out often, getting my nails done, regular Starbucks trips & recreational shopping are all things we don't have/do.
3. I don't succumb to social & cultural expectations for being a mom. I don't pay for professional pictures often for our kids and family. I'm not very extravagant in festivities such as birthday parties & holidays. I stay away from Pinterest for the sake of my time and not getting sucked into that vortex. I don't feel my kids have to look like they have stepped out of an ad when we leave the house. We chose to wait on finding out gender of our babies to keep ourselves from spending. All of these supposed standards are great marketing for certain businesses but tempting snares for moms who feel they need to comply.
4. We don't have car payments. Neither of our cars have keyless entry, each is at least 10 years old, and there is nothing fancy about our sound systems. However, they run well, are safe and are worth a little extra from time to time to keep in good shape.
5. We use meal plans (most of the time). This helps with more intentional grocery shopping. It can trim extras and unnecessary spending.
6. I coupon and check best deals when I can. I don't sit for hours in front of the computer or stalk the $1 store to horde Sunday papers. I also don't stock up needless items. But I do check the match ups each week before I go shopping to see if there are great prices on what we will be eating and our regular staples.
7. We give at least 10% of our income to our church and have other consistent ways we give. We've learned that having an open hand allows for being gifted and blessed; a tight fist has no room for receiving more.
8. I nursed our kids for at least a full year, made homemade baby food and cloth diapered.
9. We make household cleaners, detergents, etc. I was super skeptical of these at first. I've definitely come around and am really glad that we tried them out. We make our own laundry detergent, cloth diaper detergent, wipe solution, disinfectant (rubbing alcohol & water or vinegar & water), dusting solution, and probably a few others I can't remember off the top of my head. Did you notice none of these recipes are original to me??
10. We hardly ever buy our kids toys. And yes, that includes birthdays & Christmas. Considering how generous our families & friends are and how much joy they get out of buying gifts for them, we restrain ourselves to stick to things that are either essentials (like socks, underwear & shoes) or educational. The few toys we've gotten them were mostly from Goodwill! And guess what? They adore them and think they're so cool. I'll ride that wave as long as I can.
11. We use a budget! This is a big one. It's one of those annoying things to set up that yields huge dividends down the road. We used Financial Peace University with Dave Ramsey as our guideline and have adapted it digitally to our liking. This keeps us in check in each area of spending, giving & saving. We like telling our money where to go instead of it going without our say. We are also debt free! This saves us from "stupid tax" (AKA interest) coming out of our budget every month and gives us more freedom with our spending.
12. We are grateful. Abundantly and consistently grateful. We never want to hear ourselves complaining about stuff, especially. We give credit where it's due to God for always providing.
13. We keep it all in perspective. We no longer have car lust or gadget envy like we may have had as teens & young adults. We know what is required to run our home and complete our work & tasks. If that's all we have, it is quite enough. If we ever doubt, we take in some humble pie by reminding ourselves what we have in comparison to most people in the world. And in those places, the people can have more joy & hope than we do! Good lesson.
14. I always evaluate cost vs value before committing to something like a service or regular expense. For example, I could go to a gym to work out, and it may even have child care included that's super good for my kids. However, I evaluate the demand in my day, the cost from my fun money each month, and the time I'm gone around getting there and ready to work out. Instead, I find ways to work out from home that are effective and suit my style. Then I crack my own whip and get to work!
15. We even save money when it comes to our dogs. In a society where pets can be valued equally as children for some, these costs can get quite outrageous. We care about our dogs dearly and would be quite sad if they died. However, we did not pay more than $60 to adopt either of them. I have checked out vets to find the best rates for necessary services. And when they do die, which will happen, there will be no fancy memorial or place for them in the back yard. Plus, we have an approximate dollar amount we will not exceed in the event they need a lifesaving measure. As much as it hurts to say goodbye, it hurts worse to go to financial extremes to save them when they are just animals and possibly no guarantee of it working. Once they're gone, they will not have conscious thought of who we are. That's hard to type even for this pragmatist!
This list is not completely exhaustive or meant to be a lecture to anyone. I just want to share if it can be helpful. I know there are many hearts of women who want to get back in the home and feel stuck. Probably the best thing to do first is to PRAY! Then go from there.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Friday, February 14, 2014
The Real War On Women
There is a war on women. But contrary to our beloved media's reporting, it's not from the Republicans. It's not even political, even though that is symptomatic of the actual problem.
This war on women has been going on since just after the beginning of time. You can read the account in Genesis when Eve made the fatal choice to eat from the forbidden tree going against God's specific instructions. She took upon her the worst enemy a girl could have - Satan. He was the one who enticed her and reasoned God's warning away in order to get her to fall. He tickled her ears with haughty words of grandeur to secure her demise. And in the process, she took down her husband with her. Ugh. I think we'll all be standing in line with the rest of our female former humans in heaven to ask her just what she was thinking. Am I right?
But then I think to myself, "Would I have been so strong to withstand Satan's words?" I'd like to say so, but there's no guarantee. And what women hasn't struggled with being on par with someone else and knowing just as much and being just as capable? I could guess maybe Mother Theresa, but she was enough of a humble disciple to admit that she may not have turned Satan down either. So with this in mind, I think about what women are being bombarded with today and how we battle it out.
In Genesis, God was clear on the relationship between Satan and Eve (and consequently, all of us ladies who come after her) and what she would suffer as a result of her sin. He said, "And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel." & "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." (Gen 3:15, 16)
Ah, rats! "He will rule over you." Come on! This is not today's woman we're talking about, is it? Yeah. Yeah, it is. So many women today want to complain about how the Bible has set up the "hierarchy", if you will, in marriage. Did you read why? Why does he rule over you? Because of sin. It never ceases to amaze me that so many things we despise in this humanity of ours pretty much traces back to sin. In fact, it all does. It makes perfect sense, and we should be aware of this before we continue to reluctantly submit to our husbands and complain that he is the head of the household. I actually think Christ has redeemed this part of marriage though by creating a biblical mindset for both men & women that is complimentary to each other and creates a peaceful and unified home. We can rise victorious in that thought! Christ has yet redeemed us again in another way we may not have ever considered. Praise Jesus! The cross wins again. And this part of the war on women has been won.
Okay, so back to Satan. This "enmity between you and the woman, between your offspring and hers" is referencing, prophesying even, how Satan will be vanquished by Christ's victory over sin & death. Satan is cunning and quite sharp. He knows more than anyone that God will follow through on his promises and the standards He sets. I mean, he did get kicked out of heaven for assuming himself better and more powerful than God. He was a victim of God's wrath already. But the father of lies couldn't help himself. He tried and tried and tries to beat God. But despite the small victory of Jesus' death, Satan will never be able to claim all of our souls. Christ was a sufficient sacrifice to end sin's power, and He redeemed that "enmity" between the woman & Satan. And part of the war on women has been won.
Now I can't say that Christ has redeemed that whole "pains in childbearing" part. I guess you can say that God led modern medicine to find out how to do a spinal or epidural for that. But I'm at a loss for that part tying in to Christ's redemption. I'd love to hear it if you have some way of connecting those together. :-)
But a cultural norm that is beginning to fade, luckily, is the idea that women are subjected to motherhood strictly because of their ability to conceive and carry children. Some women find it a burden and a curse ("pains in childbearing"?). And here is another war on women. Women are taught to loathe their reproductive systems (directly & indirectly) and force their bodies to act accordingly so that they can enjoy sex freely without threat of pregnancy. And if the body doesn't comply, it is treated harshly to correct its mistake. Satan really has the wool over the eyes of some women now, doesn't he? He uses haughty words of grandeur to tickle their ears and then causes them to feel ashamed when the sin has taken place and the appropriate measures must be taken to make it "right." He tempts and then points the finger. He watches her fall and then kicks her while she's down. I think this war on women won't be redeemed (in our human eyes) here on earth overall. It seems to be a war that is fought and won one woman at a time as she decides to claim Jesus as Lord. I don't know for sure. But I do know that there are plenty of women out there who are desperately needing the peace and healing and forgiveness that Christ offers. And I'm praying that I can be of assistance to help those ladies find their way to Him to truly end the real war on women.
This war on women has been going on since just after the beginning of time. You can read the account in Genesis when Eve made the fatal choice to eat from the forbidden tree going against God's specific instructions. She took upon her the worst enemy a girl could have - Satan. He was the one who enticed her and reasoned God's warning away in order to get her to fall. He tickled her ears with haughty words of grandeur to secure her demise. And in the process, she took down her husband with her. Ugh. I think we'll all be standing in line with the rest of our female former humans in heaven to ask her just what she was thinking. Am I right?
But then I think to myself, "Would I have been so strong to withstand Satan's words?" I'd like to say so, but there's no guarantee. And what women hasn't struggled with being on par with someone else and knowing just as much and being just as capable? I could guess maybe Mother Theresa, but she was enough of a humble disciple to admit that she may not have turned Satan down either. So with this in mind, I think about what women are being bombarded with today and how we battle it out.
In Genesis, God was clear on the relationship between Satan and Eve (and consequently, all of us ladies who come after her) and what she would suffer as a result of her sin. He said, "And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel." & "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." (Gen 3:15, 16)
Ah, rats! "He will rule over you." Come on! This is not today's woman we're talking about, is it? Yeah. Yeah, it is. So many women today want to complain about how the Bible has set up the "hierarchy", if you will, in marriage. Did you read why? Why does he rule over you? Because of sin. It never ceases to amaze me that so many things we despise in this humanity of ours pretty much traces back to sin. In fact, it all does. It makes perfect sense, and we should be aware of this before we continue to reluctantly submit to our husbands and complain that he is the head of the household. I actually think Christ has redeemed this part of marriage though by creating a biblical mindset for both men & women that is complimentary to each other and creates a peaceful and unified home. We can rise victorious in that thought! Christ has yet redeemed us again in another way we may not have ever considered. Praise Jesus! The cross wins again. And this part of the war on women has been won.
Okay, so back to Satan. This "enmity between you and the woman, between your offspring and hers" is referencing, prophesying even, how Satan will be vanquished by Christ's victory over sin & death. Satan is cunning and quite sharp. He knows more than anyone that God will follow through on his promises and the standards He sets. I mean, he did get kicked out of heaven for assuming himself better and more powerful than God. He was a victim of God's wrath already. But the father of lies couldn't help himself. He tried and tried and tries to beat God. But despite the small victory of Jesus' death, Satan will never be able to claim all of our souls. Christ was a sufficient sacrifice to end sin's power, and He redeemed that "enmity" between the woman & Satan. And part of the war on women has been won.
Now I can't say that Christ has redeemed that whole "pains in childbearing" part. I guess you can say that God led modern medicine to find out how to do a spinal or epidural for that. But I'm at a loss for that part tying in to Christ's redemption. I'd love to hear it if you have some way of connecting those together. :-)
But a cultural norm that is beginning to fade, luckily, is the idea that women are subjected to motherhood strictly because of their ability to conceive and carry children. Some women find it a burden and a curse ("pains in childbearing"?). And here is another war on women. Women are taught to loathe their reproductive systems (directly & indirectly) and force their bodies to act accordingly so that they can enjoy sex freely without threat of pregnancy. And if the body doesn't comply, it is treated harshly to correct its mistake. Satan really has the wool over the eyes of some women now, doesn't he? He uses haughty words of grandeur to tickle their ears and then causes them to feel ashamed when the sin has taken place and the appropriate measures must be taken to make it "right." He tempts and then points the finger. He watches her fall and then kicks her while she's down. I think this war on women won't be redeemed (in our human eyes) here on earth overall. It seems to be a war that is fought and won one woman at a time as she decides to claim Jesus as Lord. I don't know for sure. But I do know that there are plenty of women out there who are desperately needing the peace and healing and forgiveness that Christ offers. And I'm praying that I can be of assistance to help those ladies find their way to Him to truly end the real war on women.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
All The Single Ladies - 50th Post!
To all of the single ladies out there…
You are beautiful.
You are worthy.
You are capable.
You can definitely be enough without a spouse!
But…
Most of you probably want one. And that's not bad. It does get bad when our hearts stray from what God intends for us to have. His fullest, biggest dreams for his children are to find peace in Him and to have a loving relationship with Him that honors who He is. However, he made us not to be alone. For most people, that means having a spouse to live alongside for the rest of our lives.
It ain't easy. And I won't belittle the fact that it seems to be harder and harder to find good guys out there. Maybe this just feels like a room closing in on you as you approach a certain age that you just knew you'd already be married. No matter what though, having a good guy to share your life with is no small or simple task. Women all around have proven that it's not worth it to settle. Women all around have proven that it's not expedient to find a guy to marry just as a sperm donor in order to have kids. The quality of a marriage begins long before you get married. Hopefully, your parents started grooming you to become a great wife to your future husband. How? By showing you what a great wife looks like and what kind of husband a great wife should have. I am truly sorry if you don't feel that you had that kind of influence. But, regardless, you do have a brain and can read and find what God wants for you in a marriage.
Now I've never been one for being a wimpy girl. Those who know me well know this is quite true. But I did have as a period in my life where I was wimpy in the relationship department. I allowed myself to not hold in high esteem the things I should have been looking for in a man. I ignored and excused away every red flag. And I paid for it. My heart hurt. And it wasn't the severance of the relationship that hurt the worst. That was merely a flesh wound. I hurt my soul. I hurt the very core of who I am when I chose to relent to worldly standards. That's a burn that takes a LONG time to heal. But it did by God's grace.
So please hear my hurt & my heart, single ladies. IT AIN'T WORTH IT! No matter how much you may feel like settling or giving in will soothe your aches for love and affection and/or children, you will only end up on the path to disappointment unless God really gets a hold of that relationship to transform it to his glory.
Please set up for yourself guidelines. Boundaries, if you will, for your heart. I wised up pretty quickly after this broken never-should-have-been relationship. I made a list that had godly and personal requirements for the man I was to marry. Notice I wasn't just focusing on dates or having fun or meeting different people. I wanted to meet him. I wanted to focus my prayers and desires of my heart on what God wanted for me in a husband. And guess what? He delivered! And I wasn't even aware. (I lack some of that women's intuition a lot of time.)
All of my list I found in Monte. Who would have thought? I mean, he was skinny. Still is. He looked 12. Barely looks 20 now. He's not a dominant personality like me. He is in no way a reflection of who everyone thought I would marry. But so what? God had a plan and knew what he was doing. We just allowed him to do it and tried our hardest to let His plan be ours. Now, 10 years later, I have no regrets and find great comfort and trust in my husband. It's remarkable and wonderful way to live.
If you haven't done this yet (make one) or have had one for years now, keep praying over it as if your marriage depends on it. God is good! Truly. Trust in Him.
This link is to a blog that has 12 non-negotiables in a husband. This is a helpful post to begin/revise your list. And the link at the bottom shows what men should have on their list as non-negotiables as well. That can be your springboard to better yourself in ways to prepare to be the most amazing wife possible. But maybe you won't ever get married. So in this process you have to be willing to relent that possibility. I know those words sting or cause some intense negative emotion in you. But I truly believe that if I hadn't met Monte, I may still be a single woman. Maybe it's easier for me to say that since it didn't come to pass. I get that. But I want to highly encourage you to consider that not finding that kind of love isn't the greatest loss of life on earth - losing your integrity in Christ and sense of self in order to satisfy an earthly desire is. Then having to live with those consequences. It's a steep price to pay.
The Husband List
Once you've made your list, pray over it like crazy. You should even share it with others you trust explicitly. If you just know in your heart that it'll happen, then bring in the troops and start the battle on the spiritual side! And know that you have to be willing to be receptive to a person who may not be who you alway pictured in your head. You may just pass up the greatest catch just for you. After Jesus, of course (wink)!
You are beautiful.
You are worthy.
You are capable.
You can definitely be enough without a spouse!
But…
Most of you probably want one. And that's not bad. It does get bad when our hearts stray from what God intends for us to have. His fullest, biggest dreams for his children are to find peace in Him and to have a loving relationship with Him that honors who He is. However, he made us not to be alone. For most people, that means having a spouse to live alongside for the rest of our lives.
It ain't easy. And I won't belittle the fact that it seems to be harder and harder to find good guys out there. Maybe this just feels like a room closing in on you as you approach a certain age that you just knew you'd already be married. No matter what though, having a good guy to share your life with is no small or simple task. Women all around have proven that it's not worth it to settle. Women all around have proven that it's not expedient to find a guy to marry just as a sperm donor in order to have kids. The quality of a marriage begins long before you get married. Hopefully, your parents started grooming you to become a great wife to your future husband. How? By showing you what a great wife looks like and what kind of husband a great wife should have. I am truly sorry if you don't feel that you had that kind of influence. But, regardless, you do have a brain and can read and find what God wants for you in a marriage.
Now I've never been one for being a wimpy girl. Those who know me well know this is quite true. But I did have as a period in my life where I was wimpy in the relationship department. I allowed myself to not hold in high esteem the things I should have been looking for in a man. I ignored and excused away every red flag. And I paid for it. My heart hurt. And it wasn't the severance of the relationship that hurt the worst. That was merely a flesh wound. I hurt my soul. I hurt the very core of who I am when I chose to relent to worldly standards. That's a burn that takes a LONG time to heal. But it did by God's grace.
So please hear my hurt & my heart, single ladies. IT AIN'T WORTH IT! No matter how much you may feel like settling or giving in will soothe your aches for love and affection and/or children, you will only end up on the path to disappointment unless God really gets a hold of that relationship to transform it to his glory.
Please set up for yourself guidelines. Boundaries, if you will, for your heart. I wised up pretty quickly after this broken never-should-have-been relationship. I made a list that had godly and personal requirements for the man I was to marry. Notice I wasn't just focusing on dates or having fun or meeting different people. I wanted to meet him. I wanted to focus my prayers and desires of my heart on what God wanted for me in a husband. And guess what? He delivered! And I wasn't even aware. (I lack some of that women's intuition a lot of time.)
All of my list I found in Monte. Who would have thought? I mean, he was skinny. Still is. He looked 12. Barely looks 20 now. He's not a dominant personality like me. He is in no way a reflection of who everyone thought I would marry. But so what? God had a plan and knew what he was doing. We just allowed him to do it and tried our hardest to let His plan be ours. Now, 10 years later, I have no regrets and find great comfort and trust in my husband. It's remarkable and wonderful way to live.
If you haven't done this yet (make one) or have had one for years now, keep praying over it as if your marriage depends on it. God is good! Truly. Trust in Him.
This link is to a blog that has 12 non-negotiables in a husband. This is a helpful post to begin/revise your list. And the link at the bottom shows what men should have on their list as non-negotiables as well. That can be your springboard to better yourself in ways to prepare to be the most amazing wife possible. But maybe you won't ever get married. So in this process you have to be willing to relent that possibility. I know those words sting or cause some intense negative emotion in you. But I truly believe that if I hadn't met Monte, I may still be a single woman. Maybe it's easier for me to say that since it didn't come to pass. I get that. But I want to highly encourage you to consider that not finding that kind of love isn't the greatest loss of life on earth - losing your integrity in Christ and sense of self in order to satisfy an earthly desire is. Then having to live with those consequences. It's a steep price to pay.
The Husband List
Once you've made your list, pray over it like crazy. You should even share it with others you trust explicitly. If you just know in your heart that it'll happen, then bring in the troops and start the battle on the spiritual side! And know that you have to be willing to be receptive to a person who may not be who you alway pictured in your head. You may just pass up the greatest catch just for you. After Jesus, of course (wink)!
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Christian Women & Their Sexuality: Marriage to last a lifetime
God designed us to be married for our entire lives!
Yes, well our entire life post-nuptial. There is one growing trend for people to think of marriage more as a commodity instead of a commitment where it can be disposable and/or replaced when not working or rising to expectations.
This is a topic that can stir up quite the tornado of emotions in people. Some have strong feelings for condemning divorce and others in justifying it. No matter what our personal opinions are we need to face the source of marriage and what He says about it all. He has several places in Scripture where this is discussed. The essentials are such:
1. Don't divorce. God hates it. Malachi 2:16
2. Adultery is the justifiable basis for divorce per Jesus. Matthew 19:9
3. Don't marry a divorced woman (or man). Matthew 5:32; Mark 10:11; Luke 16:18
4. Paul had another exception for a believing spouse: to allow an unbelieving spouse to leave if s/he wants, which leaves the believer able to remarry. 1 Corinthians 7:15
Biblical References to Divorce
So…….where do we go from here? Let's start at square 1. God made Adam & Eve. Eve was the complement to Adam. God saw that there needed to be a companion more like Adam that would supplement the relationship for him. First. Marriage. Ever. And notice there was no fancy ceremony. No ring. No honeymoon. No theme, colors, flower girls, boutonnieres, mothers-in-law, etc. How was marriage solidified? Good, ol' fashioned consummation. That's right. He lay with his wife or joined himself with her. Yes, erotic. But that's how God fashioned us. When our bodies unite we seal the deal.
On we go. From here we are monogamous within marriage. And for good reason. There are so many dynamics to a thriving, growing marriage that it makes it very difficult to share all of yourself with more than one person, especially at once. This monogamy unlocks the door to a whole world of intimacy with just your spouse. You can be 100% who God made you with your spouse. This bond was never taken lightly by God, and we should be wise to honor that with our actions.
I'd like to focus on #4 above since it's got some underlying context. Or at least some believe it to have such. This has been coined the "Pauline privilege", which can be summed up like this:
'According to this concept, Paul taught that if an unbelieving spouse leaves a believer, the believer is not bound to the marriage relationship, but is free to remarry" (1 Corinthians 7:15). And some people recognize such a thing as a "constructive desertion," which would be when a husband so brutalizes his wife that it is impossible to live with him any longer; or when a wife has so harassed, or brutalized her husband that it becomes impossible for him to stay with her. When that happens, whether or not the person actually moves out, the situation is the equivalent of desertion, and divorce and remarriage are permissible.'
What Does the Bible Say About Divorce And Remarriage?
I see this as having a spouse who doesn't practice the faith despite the words that come from his/her mouth or the show that goes on each Sunday. However, I am very careful to ever advise in this direction. I have a dear friend whose husband just would not stop hurting her by cheating (sex addict despite her being willing to have sex with him daily and to his standards). He constantly betrayed their marriage vows and her. I was livid! But I never told her to divorce him. Why? First of all, she was in it for a lifetime. She is a superbly godly woman who strives to exist for His glory. She did not feel led to divorce. Her husband had somewhat of a relationship with God but had not let himself be sold out to His purpose instead of his own. She was sure that God's grace is sufficient. I did tell her after a tearful phone conversation that she can have him "hand[ed] over to Satan." (1 Cor 5:5)
Now this "Pauline privilege" does expound into areas that people are much more likely to encounter than just literally having an unbelieving spouse leave you. There is abuse in some marriages that threatens more than just the emotions. And other actions that are being taken out against spouses can be considered "desertion" by this concept.
Despite this, the underwritten rule is to remain married and monogamous to each other. Let Christ so fill your lives that you each take joy in continuing in this relationship. When He is the pinnacle of your world, staying married isn't hard. And considering divorce should almost be laughable.
Marriage is no joke. More of us in the church need to be the champions of strong marriages; the more men who do this the better! God is so good and gives us this gift on earth. Our mindsets will determine whether or not we enjoy it. If you feel that you and your spouse may not make it or are struggling, please seek council from a trusted source. No marriage is immune to hardships & struggles. No marriage is too good to need counseling. You'd probably be surprised by how many great marriages have taken the time to get help. Don't let pride keep you from finding a way to mend the wounds. Your marriage will come out even better when you push through and conquer the trials!
Yes, well our entire life post-nuptial. There is one growing trend for people to think of marriage more as a commodity instead of a commitment where it can be disposable and/or replaced when not working or rising to expectations.
This is a topic that can stir up quite the tornado of emotions in people. Some have strong feelings for condemning divorce and others in justifying it. No matter what our personal opinions are we need to face the source of marriage and what He says about it all. He has several places in Scripture where this is discussed. The essentials are such:
1. Don't divorce. God hates it. Malachi 2:16
2. Adultery is the justifiable basis for divorce per Jesus. Matthew 19:9
3. Don't marry a divorced woman (or man). Matthew 5:32; Mark 10:11; Luke 16:18
4. Paul had another exception for a believing spouse: to allow an unbelieving spouse to leave if s/he wants, which leaves the believer able to remarry. 1 Corinthians 7:15
Biblical References to Divorce
So…….where do we go from here? Let's start at square 1. God made Adam & Eve. Eve was the complement to Adam. God saw that there needed to be a companion more like Adam that would supplement the relationship for him. First. Marriage. Ever. And notice there was no fancy ceremony. No ring. No honeymoon. No theme, colors, flower girls, boutonnieres, mothers-in-law, etc. How was marriage solidified? Good, ol' fashioned consummation. That's right. He lay with his wife or joined himself with her. Yes, erotic. But that's how God fashioned us. When our bodies unite we seal the deal.
On we go. From here we are monogamous within marriage. And for good reason. There are so many dynamics to a thriving, growing marriage that it makes it very difficult to share all of yourself with more than one person, especially at once. This monogamy unlocks the door to a whole world of intimacy with just your spouse. You can be 100% who God made you with your spouse. This bond was never taken lightly by God, and we should be wise to honor that with our actions.
I'd like to focus on #4 above since it's got some underlying context. Or at least some believe it to have such. This has been coined the "Pauline privilege", which can be summed up like this:
'According to this concept, Paul taught that if an unbelieving spouse leaves a believer, the believer is not bound to the marriage relationship, but is free to remarry" (1 Corinthians 7:15). And some people recognize such a thing as a "constructive desertion," which would be when a husband so brutalizes his wife that it is impossible to live with him any longer; or when a wife has so harassed, or brutalized her husband that it becomes impossible for him to stay with her. When that happens, whether or not the person actually moves out, the situation is the equivalent of desertion, and divorce and remarriage are permissible.'
What Does the Bible Say About Divorce And Remarriage?
I see this as having a spouse who doesn't practice the faith despite the words that come from his/her mouth or the show that goes on each Sunday. However, I am very careful to ever advise in this direction. I have a dear friend whose husband just would not stop hurting her by cheating (sex addict despite her being willing to have sex with him daily and to his standards). He constantly betrayed their marriage vows and her. I was livid! But I never told her to divorce him. Why? First of all, she was in it for a lifetime. She is a superbly godly woman who strives to exist for His glory. She did not feel led to divorce. Her husband had somewhat of a relationship with God but had not let himself be sold out to His purpose instead of his own. She was sure that God's grace is sufficient. I did tell her after a tearful phone conversation that she can have him "hand[ed] over to Satan." (1 Cor 5:5)
Now this "Pauline privilege" does expound into areas that people are much more likely to encounter than just literally having an unbelieving spouse leave you. There is abuse in some marriages that threatens more than just the emotions. And other actions that are being taken out against spouses can be considered "desertion" by this concept.
Despite this, the underwritten rule is to remain married and monogamous to each other. Let Christ so fill your lives that you each take joy in continuing in this relationship. When He is the pinnacle of your world, staying married isn't hard. And considering divorce should almost be laughable.
Marriage is no joke. More of us in the church need to be the champions of strong marriages; the more men who do this the better! God is so good and gives us this gift on earth. Our mindsets will determine whether or not we enjoy it. If you feel that you and your spouse may not make it or are struggling, please seek council from a trusted source. No marriage is immune to hardships & struggles. No marriage is too good to need counseling. You'd probably be surprised by how many great marriages have taken the time to get help. Don't let pride keep you from finding a way to mend the wounds. Your marriage will come out even better when you push through and conquer the trials!
Friday, January 24, 2014
Valentine's Day
Aanna's Blog
This is from a friend of mine who was previously in my Mom's Connection table group. She's a gifted writer and quite intellectually astute. I read this and feel it fits perfectly with things I've been writing about. With Valentine's Day coming up, it's quite fitting. And it's icing on the cake that they named their daughter Valentine!
So after reading Aanna's blog, ponder how you feel about your spouse. Chew on that and be honest about it. List some behaviors you have towards your husband on a regular basis. Do they consist of these?
- Nagging
- Criticism
- Cold shoulder/silent treatment
Or these?
- Affection
- Affirmation
- Encouragement
Ahhhhh…….it stings sometimes to be brutally honest with yourself. I've found that one of the hardest things to do in life can be self-evaluation. Either we are way too easy on ourselves or quite harsh. It's rare to find a happy medium in this arena. But I was here several years ago in our marriage, trying to better my wifely interaction with Monte. I am hyper critical by nature. It's a gift and a curse. But when it comes to my husband, being critical is not the best way to be. So began the journey to start praying instead of criticizing. And it's HIGHLY effective! I recommend this route over any other. I prayed for him and for me. The Holy Spirit has not disappointed. I know that we aren't immune 100% against marital woes, but we are highly armed by the Almighty when trouble comes.
Think about the many faces of you your husband receives throughout the day. Are they pleasant? inviting? affirming? loving? trusting? Will your husband come home to your warm embrace or your list of demands? Will he get to snuggle with his favorite feminine form or get the sweat pants treatment?
If you were me, you would regularly remind him as to why he married you and was so eager to have you. Just saying. Make it a great Valentine's Day!!!!!
This is from a friend of mine who was previously in my Mom's Connection table group. She's a gifted writer and quite intellectually astute. I read this and feel it fits perfectly with things I've been writing about. With Valentine's Day coming up, it's quite fitting. And it's icing on the cake that they named their daughter Valentine!
So after reading Aanna's blog, ponder how you feel about your spouse. Chew on that and be honest about it. List some behaviors you have towards your husband on a regular basis. Do they consist of these?
- Nagging
- Criticism
- Cold shoulder/silent treatment
Or these?
- Affection
- Affirmation
- Encouragement
Ahhhhh…….it stings sometimes to be brutally honest with yourself. I've found that one of the hardest things to do in life can be self-evaluation. Either we are way too easy on ourselves or quite harsh. It's rare to find a happy medium in this arena. But I was here several years ago in our marriage, trying to better my wifely interaction with Monte. I am hyper critical by nature. It's a gift and a curse. But when it comes to my husband, being critical is not the best way to be. So began the journey to start praying instead of criticizing. And it's HIGHLY effective! I recommend this route over any other. I prayed for him and for me. The Holy Spirit has not disappointed. I know that we aren't immune 100% against marital woes, but we are highly armed by the Almighty when trouble comes.
Think about the many faces of you your husband receives throughout the day. Are they pleasant? inviting? affirming? loving? trusting? Will your husband come home to your warm embrace or your list of demands? Will he get to snuggle with his favorite feminine form or get the sweat pants treatment?
If you were me, you would regularly remind him as to why he married you and was so eager to have you. Just saying. Make it a great Valentine's Day!!!!!
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Christian Women & Their Sexuality: Enjoying Each Other Sexually
Don't worry. This isn't R rated, but I wouldn't say it's for young eyes either. Some young people can romanticize what I write and somehow justify it in their adolescent, immature brains to be the same in their relationships. Wrong. So please don't allow this to be read solo by teens or unmarried young adults. If you want your teen or young adult to read it, please sit with him/her and help him/her unload and unpack what this all means and its proper place in marriage.
God designed us to enjoy each other sexually. Did you catch the bold, italicized words? Yes, enjoy sexually. Yay! You should be doing your happy dance right now. Even if you have a difficult time with being sexually satisfied due to physiological issues, this should still be an exciting and sacred part of your marriage where you and your partner can engage each other in an extremely intimate and personal way. Plus, you alone are responsible for his sexual enjoyment. Be THE expert on this! The connection you have should be yours alone. No one else is welcome to take part in your marriage bed, right? Whether physically or in conversation. It should not be a point of discussion in a detailed sense and NEVER to demean or criticize your husband. This is a big no-no. I can't even emphasize that enough.
In the event you are having issues sexually, you may need to talk to somebody. And you know who that somebody is??? Your husband. Say what??? Are you crazy? Yes, but in a productive, sensible way. It may go against you natural tendency; however, it's the only way to reach a place of great contentment and ecstasy in your sexual realm of marriage. I hear women complain about sex, especially as newlyweds. I got sick of hearing it and finally started telling these ladies that the only people who should know about this and hear about it is their husbands. Those men are the ONLY ones who can fix the problems. Having that level of security with you is one way he shows he trusts you. Would you be okay with him disclosing intimate details about you to his friends? Absolutely not and that would be shameful and shallow of him. How is this any different? So if you have an issue, talk about it with your man. If you guys still can't figure things out, then find someone who is licensed and specially trained to handle sex in marriage.
Now we can venture onto the world of sexual fulfillment. Buckle up!
For you newlyweds or young marrieds:
Take heart. Sex is probably a new adventure for you both or at least together. The typical mastery of anything is 10,000 hours of practice/repetition. With the average sexual encounter lasting 3-11 minutes, do you think you'll get there in a month or two? Doubtful. And men, that's no slam to you. It's just truth. This area of our marriages is a divine place to grow with each other and become closer with each union. So with this in mind be realistic about how sex will be and allow yourself & your spouse some grace in becoming better for each other. The fantasy sex that you see on TV or movies probably won't ever be what you discover because it's not realistic or practical, but you WILL find great sexual fulfillment & enjoyment the longer you are married. This adventure to great sex is a journey. Enjoy it!
For you couples who have been married longer than a couple of years:
This encompasses a wide range of ages and experiences, which means it can't be cookie cutter. But there are benchmarks that should be happening in your marriage sexually for most all couples after being together more than 2 or so years:
1. Your frequency may have decreased, but the quality is increasing.
2. Your sexual realm of what is involved is broader and more creative.
3. You can tell when your partner is having issues either with sex or in another area of your relationship.
4. Your inhibitions are slowly deteriorating. It should progress more/faster the longer you are married.
5. Sexual climax will/should become a normal experience for everyone. If not, you may have physiological issues that your doc can address. At the very least, you know that you can reach sexual climax consistently if given the proper circumstances.
6. You will be more open and communicate more clearly about your sexual desires and likes & dislikes.
7. You'll eventually reach 10,000 hours!!!!!! Graduate of sex mastery. Congrats.
No matter what your sex life is like now, you can make it better if you are both willing to persist. The central theme of your sex life needs to be FUN or ENJOYMENT. When you think of things that are fun or that you enjoy, it should start to get the creative juices flowing and open a new chapter into the realm of sex for you both.
If you aren't quite ready to have a sit down over coffee with your spouse, grab a good book on sex. Take notes or highlight and find out how you want to broach the topic.
A note for men:
Give your girl some time & space to get to where she needs to be. It should not take her forever, but it will probably take her a little longer than you. Or maybe a lot. :-) I remember my mother-in-law once saying, "Men are like microwaves, and women are like crockpots." That is typical. Don't expect your woman to be on the same page since you're raring with testosterone. And be advised that your job in the sack is much more about thoughtfulness outside of the sack. Get your "choreplay" on and make it impossible for her not to be uber grateful (wink, wink). Another tidbit - since women's bodies are vastly different in how they react sexually, you need to be learning how she works. There are great books on sexual plateau and what that means for you and her. It's like being a master play producer where everyone & everything has to be at the right place at the right time. This needs to be your art. Study her.
A note for women:
Alright, sister. If you are stalling, you need to quit. Straight up. Sex is crucial to your man's health & sanity. Don't be the reason he doesn't enjoy being married. You should be the prized jewel in the marriage that is his. Enjoy & be enjoyed. I'd like to strongly encourage you to remember that your husband does NOT think like you. There is no leg shaving requirement for sex. There is no necessary amount of sleep before or after sex. There is a tunnel with his eyes fixed on you when it comes to sex. Start practicing that tunnel with your eyes fixed only on him. Why not enjoy 20-30 minutes of time not spent worrying about laundry, dishes, grocery lists, and packing lunches? If your dress shirt for work is a tad wrinkled the next day because you had sex instead of ironing, so be it. You left your man in good order. Way more important. When we ladies insist on the stars aligning and the world to spin at just the right axis in order to have sex, we rob ourselves of joy; not just joy for our husbands, but also joy for ourselves. You know how good it feels to have done something well. You have the opportunity to have that accomplished feeling 2-3 times each week! And please, don't take offense to your husband rolling over and falling asleep when you're done. It just means you did your job well! Savor your victory. Then go read your book or paint your toenails or finish the ironing.
If you can't tell, I'm ALL for healthy marriages sexually. If your marriage isn't healthy enough to where you can fully engage sexually, start there and work forward to that point. If it's a situation where it's easier said than done, then start praying and employ others you trust to pray with you. God loves to hear us, especially when it's to get better at honoring Him with our lives & marriages. And if it never comes to pass, just know that God has given us a place to enjoy that outdoes sex by a long shot! You will have a great fulfillment someday. He is the ultimate satisfaction for our souls.
God designed us to enjoy each other sexually. Did you catch the bold, italicized words? Yes, enjoy sexually. Yay! You should be doing your happy dance right now. Even if you have a difficult time with being sexually satisfied due to physiological issues, this should still be an exciting and sacred part of your marriage where you and your partner can engage each other in an extremely intimate and personal way. Plus, you alone are responsible for his sexual enjoyment. Be THE expert on this! The connection you have should be yours alone. No one else is welcome to take part in your marriage bed, right? Whether physically or in conversation. It should not be a point of discussion in a detailed sense and NEVER to demean or criticize your husband. This is a big no-no. I can't even emphasize that enough.
In the event you are having issues sexually, you may need to talk to somebody. And you know who that somebody is??? Your husband. Say what??? Are you crazy? Yes, but in a productive, sensible way. It may go against you natural tendency; however, it's the only way to reach a place of great contentment and ecstasy in your sexual realm of marriage. I hear women complain about sex, especially as newlyweds. I got sick of hearing it and finally started telling these ladies that the only people who should know about this and hear about it is their husbands. Those men are the ONLY ones who can fix the problems. Having that level of security with you is one way he shows he trusts you. Would you be okay with him disclosing intimate details about you to his friends? Absolutely not and that would be shameful and shallow of him. How is this any different? So if you have an issue, talk about it with your man. If you guys still can't figure things out, then find someone who is licensed and specially trained to handle sex in marriage.
Now we can venture onto the world of sexual fulfillment. Buckle up!
For you newlyweds or young marrieds:
Take heart. Sex is probably a new adventure for you both or at least together. The typical mastery of anything is 10,000 hours of practice/repetition. With the average sexual encounter lasting 3-11 minutes, do you think you'll get there in a month or two? Doubtful. And men, that's no slam to you. It's just truth. This area of our marriages is a divine place to grow with each other and become closer with each union. So with this in mind be realistic about how sex will be and allow yourself & your spouse some grace in becoming better for each other. The fantasy sex that you see on TV or movies probably won't ever be what you discover because it's not realistic or practical, but you WILL find great sexual fulfillment & enjoyment the longer you are married. This adventure to great sex is a journey. Enjoy it!
For you couples who have been married longer than a couple of years:
This encompasses a wide range of ages and experiences, which means it can't be cookie cutter. But there are benchmarks that should be happening in your marriage sexually for most all couples after being together more than 2 or so years:
1. Your frequency may have decreased, but the quality is increasing.
2. Your sexual realm of what is involved is broader and more creative.
3. You can tell when your partner is having issues either with sex or in another area of your relationship.
4. Your inhibitions are slowly deteriorating. It should progress more/faster the longer you are married.
5. Sexual climax will/should become a normal experience for everyone. If not, you may have physiological issues that your doc can address. At the very least, you know that you can reach sexual climax consistently if given the proper circumstances.
6. You will be more open and communicate more clearly about your sexual desires and likes & dislikes.
7. You'll eventually reach 10,000 hours!!!!!! Graduate of sex mastery. Congrats.
No matter what your sex life is like now, you can make it better if you are both willing to persist. The central theme of your sex life needs to be FUN or ENJOYMENT. When you think of things that are fun or that you enjoy, it should start to get the creative juices flowing and open a new chapter into the realm of sex for you both.
If you aren't quite ready to have a sit down over coffee with your spouse, grab a good book on sex. Take notes or highlight and find out how you want to broach the topic.
A note for men:
Give your girl some time & space to get to where she needs to be. It should not take her forever, but it will probably take her a little longer than you. Or maybe a lot. :-) I remember my mother-in-law once saying, "Men are like microwaves, and women are like crockpots." That is typical. Don't expect your woman to be on the same page since you're raring with testosterone. And be advised that your job in the sack is much more about thoughtfulness outside of the sack. Get your "choreplay" on and make it impossible for her not to be uber grateful (wink, wink). Another tidbit - since women's bodies are vastly different in how they react sexually, you need to be learning how she works. There are great books on sexual plateau and what that means for you and her. It's like being a master play producer where everyone & everything has to be at the right place at the right time. This needs to be your art. Study her.
A note for women:
Alright, sister. If you are stalling, you need to quit. Straight up. Sex is crucial to your man's health & sanity. Don't be the reason he doesn't enjoy being married. You should be the prized jewel in the marriage that is his. Enjoy & be enjoyed. I'd like to strongly encourage you to remember that your husband does NOT think like you. There is no leg shaving requirement for sex. There is no necessary amount of sleep before or after sex. There is a tunnel with his eyes fixed on you when it comes to sex. Start practicing that tunnel with your eyes fixed only on him. Why not enjoy 20-30 minutes of time not spent worrying about laundry, dishes, grocery lists, and packing lunches? If your dress shirt for work is a tad wrinkled the next day because you had sex instead of ironing, so be it. You left your man in good order. Way more important. When we ladies insist on the stars aligning and the world to spin at just the right axis in order to have sex, we rob ourselves of joy; not just joy for our husbands, but also joy for ourselves. You know how good it feels to have done something well. You have the opportunity to have that accomplished feeling 2-3 times each week! And please, don't take offense to your husband rolling over and falling asleep when you're done. It just means you did your job well! Savor your victory. Then go read your book or paint your toenails or finish the ironing.
If you can't tell, I'm ALL for healthy marriages sexually. If your marriage isn't healthy enough to where you can fully engage sexually, start there and work forward to that point. If it's a situation where it's easier said than done, then start praying and employ others you trust to pray with you. God loves to hear us, especially when it's to get better at honoring Him with our lives & marriages. And if it never comes to pass, just know that God has given us a place to enjoy that outdoes sex by a long shot! You will have a great fulfillment someday. He is the ultimate satisfaction for our souls.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Christian Women & Their Sexuality: Submitting to God's Authority (And Your Man's!)
God designed us to submit to his authority. Yep. This 1950s concept dates far back to long before this quaint decade in American history. It's not even an American ideal. Dig deeper and see that it's reflected at the beginning of time and then much, much later in God's timeline.
God created this heavenly place on earth called the Garden of Eden and designed it perfectly. How can God do anything other than perfect, right? He's God! In this sacred, lovely, utopian place He formed man. He saw it was not good for man to be alone and proceeded to craft the magnificent form of a woman made from Adam's rib. Adam saw her and agreed with God that she was GOOD! Notice Eve didn't return the sentiment… :-) Kidding, boys. Kidding. But let's face it; women are God's masterpiece to the human eye in comparison. I think most men will agree with me.
So this gorgeous being is here for who? Ah, yes. FOR ADAM. It's not that God said woman would be worthless without him. God didn't deem her life less important because of the parts and role He gave her. No. He saw the perfect union of what the two could be and designated each accordingly. He fashioned man to be the leader of the home - the one who protects, loves, cherishes, and provides. He fashioned the woman to be the helpmate - the one who supports, respects, nurtures, and bears offspring. Now, before you get angry at this, please know that I'm not just spouting off what I think is true. Just ask the Word. It's in there. And I've found that when we relent to be what God designed us to be, we typically find our sweet spot in life. Knowing your place is quite integral to figuring out who you are period. And not all women are cut out to be stay at home moms who knit, bake and host with the greatest of ease. I'm not saying that. I'm sharing how God has made us to interact as a wife, if you are one. Being your husband's equal in worth is absolute. Being his equal in the role you take is not.
Our culture has been slowly emasculating our men; so much so that men are now suffering from depression in staggering numbers not knowing their place in the world or throwing out the idea of marriage completely because they don't want to be the minion of their all-knowing, high-perfomring, supermom of a wife! Again, I'm not slamming women who want to be successful professionally. That can get in the way. However, I'm referring to the way we overreach our boundaries in our role as wives and usurping the authority of our men. Not cool. Sorry, ladies. If you want a happy man, let him be a man. He needs to be take charge of what your household stands for and lives out day to day. He needs to be the protector for what's best for your family. Not that you aren't part of that, but he is the leader. The point man. LET HIM LEAD!
Some of you may have husbands who don't want to lead. They may not have any initiative. They may find it the last thing they want to do to take charge over their family. But guess what? It's their God-given role and function no matter how they feel. So many women are taking the role of spiritual leader in their families because they have no other choice; their husbands are absent spiritually and don't give God a 2nd thought. This should not be. And yay, for the women who are bold & brave enough to step up into that role despite the overwhelming burden of functioning as both parents!
We women can be the catalyst for change though. A book I have thoroughly enjoyed reading and using throughout the years of marriage is "The Power Of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. Love that name. She has others that regard how to pray in different roles as well, which are also good. It gave me perspective on how to help my man become the husband and father I knew he could be. It wasn't through nagging or guilt. It was through prayer. It IS through prayer. One reason I can have peace in my marriage is because my husband doesn't feel threatened and on edge from my constant bickering and picking at him. And for those of you who know me, I'm HIGHLY critical by nature. This is no small task for me to hand the reigns to God and ask of Him to mold Monte into a great Christian man, husband & father. But it works! And works well.
There are so many scriptures on how we are to act in regards to our husbands. The most popular is probably in Ephesians 5:22-33 where Paul speaks on how we are to act towards each other as spouses and how it all relates to Christ's relationship to His bride, the church. This should be a beautiful and secure picture to women. We should be more than happy to submit to our husband's authority…as long as he submits to God's, right? Wrong. You submit to your husband even if he's an unbeliever unless he demands something unholy of you. This is one way he can be won over. More scripture. When we neglect to submit to our husbands, we are basically telling God that he got it all wrong and He can't possibly be serious in wanting us to submit to these men. You're essentially telling God that His plan stinks and you have to pick up your husband's slack or whatever. I can diagnose these problems as heart problems. Not the cardiac kind. The lack of Holy Spirit indwelling kind. Submitting to your husband is honorable and pleasing to God, who you husband also submits to. PLUS, your husband has a lofty charge that does NOT fall on your shoulders: loving you as he loves himself. He is to love as Christ who gave himself up for his bride, the church. When in scripture has God ever asked us ladies to do such? The answer - never. We are to submit to him, trusting that he will do what's best and knowing that he will be judged and held accountable by God, and we are to respect him. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Yes, Aretha. We love your song, but this is different. Respecting a man does something amazing inside of him. A man who is well respected by his wife can go anywhere and accomplish just about any great thing. YOU are a HUGE part of his success - at home, work, friendships, church, and the community. He always needs you as the biggest fan in his corner. And another integral part of your job is to come alongside him and be part of the process in figuring out what's best for your family. He may disagree, and that's on him if it's not a good choice. But men can handle it. It's their job.
We have such unique roles as husbands and wives. Just looking at the differences in our bodies should tell you that. And we have such an obligation to our husbands who deserve our best so they can be their best. Just because you submit to his authority doesn't mean you have to be a small minded, weak mouse of a woman. Trust me. He'll probably think it's sexy you have a brain that goes with your rocking' female bod! But he's the mouthpiece of your family. Let him speak and be heard. Respect who he is and who he can become. And by all means, PLEASE pray for the man. God can do much more good than you ever can with your human ways. Oh, and be sure to get frisky as often as he needs it. It's always good for an ego boost when his woman wants him. I've heard it said, "When you love what you do, you'll never work another day in your life." So true with my "job" as Monte's wife. So true. I love it. And wouldn't want it any other way. It's my job! :-)
God created this heavenly place on earth called the Garden of Eden and designed it perfectly. How can God do anything other than perfect, right? He's God! In this sacred, lovely, utopian place He formed man. He saw it was not good for man to be alone and proceeded to craft the magnificent form of a woman made from Adam's rib. Adam saw her and agreed with God that she was GOOD! Notice Eve didn't return the sentiment… :-) Kidding, boys. Kidding. But let's face it; women are God's masterpiece to the human eye in comparison. I think most men will agree with me.
So this gorgeous being is here for who? Ah, yes. FOR ADAM. It's not that God said woman would be worthless without him. God didn't deem her life less important because of the parts and role He gave her. No. He saw the perfect union of what the two could be and designated each accordingly. He fashioned man to be the leader of the home - the one who protects, loves, cherishes, and provides. He fashioned the woman to be the helpmate - the one who supports, respects, nurtures, and bears offspring. Now, before you get angry at this, please know that I'm not just spouting off what I think is true. Just ask the Word. It's in there. And I've found that when we relent to be what God designed us to be, we typically find our sweet spot in life. Knowing your place is quite integral to figuring out who you are period. And not all women are cut out to be stay at home moms who knit, bake and host with the greatest of ease. I'm not saying that. I'm sharing how God has made us to interact as a wife, if you are one. Being your husband's equal in worth is absolute. Being his equal in the role you take is not.
Our culture has been slowly emasculating our men; so much so that men are now suffering from depression in staggering numbers not knowing their place in the world or throwing out the idea of marriage completely because they don't want to be the minion of their all-knowing, high-perfomring, supermom of a wife! Again, I'm not slamming women who want to be successful professionally. That can get in the way. However, I'm referring to the way we overreach our boundaries in our role as wives and usurping the authority of our men. Not cool. Sorry, ladies. If you want a happy man, let him be a man. He needs to be take charge of what your household stands for and lives out day to day. He needs to be the protector for what's best for your family. Not that you aren't part of that, but he is the leader. The point man. LET HIM LEAD!
Some of you may have husbands who don't want to lead. They may not have any initiative. They may find it the last thing they want to do to take charge over their family. But guess what? It's their God-given role and function no matter how they feel. So many women are taking the role of spiritual leader in their families because they have no other choice; their husbands are absent spiritually and don't give God a 2nd thought. This should not be. And yay, for the women who are bold & brave enough to step up into that role despite the overwhelming burden of functioning as both parents!
We women can be the catalyst for change though. A book I have thoroughly enjoyed reading and using throughout the years of marriage is "The Power Of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. Love that name. She has others that regard how to pray in different roles as well, which are also good. It gave me perspective on how to help my man become the husband and father I knew he could be. It wasn't through nagging or guilt. It was through prayer. It IS through prayer. One reason I can have peace in my marriage is because my husband doesn't feel threatened and on edge from my constant bickering and picking at him. And for those of you who know me, I'm HIGHLY critical by nature. This is no small task for me to hand the reigns to God and ask of Him to mold Monte into a great Christian man, husband & father. But it works! And works well.
There are so many scriptures on how we are to act in regards to our husbands. The most popular is probably in Ephesians 5:22-33 where Paul speaks on how we are to act towards each other as spouses and how it all relates to Christ's relationship to His bride, the church. This should be a beautiful and secure picture to women. We should be more than happy to submit to our husband's authority…as long as he submits to God's, right? Wrong. You submit to your husband even if he's an unbeliever unless he demands something unholy of you. This is one way he can be won over. More scripture. When we neglect to submit to our husbands, we are basically telling God that he got it all wrong and He can't possibly be serious in wanting us to submit to these men. You're essentially telling God that His plan stinks and you have to pick up your husband's slack or whatever. I can diagnose these problems as heart problems. Not the cardiac kind. The lack of Holy Spirit indwelling kind. Submitting to your husband is honorable and pleasing to God, who you husband also submits to. PLUS, your husband has a lofty charge that does NOT fall on your shoulders: loving you as he loves himself. He is to love as Christ who gave himself up for his bride, the church. When in scripture has God ever asked us ladies to do such? The answer - never. We are to submit to him, trusting that he will do what's best and knowing that he will be judged and held accountable by God, and we are to respect him. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Yes, Aretha. We love your song, but this is different. Respecting a man does something amazing inside of him. A man who is well respected by his wife can go anywhere and accomplish just about any great thing. YOU are a HUGE part of his success - at home, work, friendships, church, and the community. He always needs you as the biggest fan in his corner. And another integral part of your job is to come alongside him and be part of the process in figuring out what's best for your family. He may disagree, and that's on him if it's not a good choice. But men can handle it. It's their job.
We have such unique roles as husbands and wives. Just looking at the differences in our bodies should tell you that. And we have such an obligation to our husbands who deserve our best so they can be their best. Just because you submit to his authority doesn't mean you have to be a small minded, weak mouse of a woman. Trust me. He'll probably think it's sexy you have a brain that goes with your rocking' female bod! But he's the mouthpiece of your family. Let him speak and be heard. Respect who he is and who he can become. And by all means, PLEASE pray for the man. God can do much more good than you ever can with your human ways. Oh, and be sure to get frisky as often as he needs it. It's always good for an ego boost when his woman wants him. I've heard it said, "When you love what you do, you'll never work another day in your life." So true with my "job" as Monte's wife. So true. I love it. And wouldn't want it any other way. It's my job! :-)
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