Today I celebrate my husband's 31 years of life! I'm so glad that Don & Vikki had a bonus baby who became my husband and helped me produce 2 gorgeous boys and our Baby Hunt!
Some may not know that this is actually Baby Hunt 4.0. We found out September '08 that I was indeed pregnant with our first baby! It was quite surreal and overwhelming, especially for Monte. But just a couple months into it we found out that this Baby Hunt had stopped growing around 6.5 weeks. I would have been around 10 weeks when we found out. So around May 21, 2009 was that Baby's due date. Each year it hits me when it starts getting close that I have a child in heaven who is fortunate enough to have never felt pain and live with Jesus. But I also get hit with the pain of missing someone I never got to meet officially or see face to face. I can only imagine what this child looks like and sounds like. I can only wonder if it is a boy or a girl. Not that it matters in heaven, but my earthly mind is curious.
Some have asked if I knew why. Unfortunately, no. My main guess after being much more knowledgable and informed about pregnancy and things regarding fertility that it was probably a low progesterone issue. But it could have been a defect or abnormality probably of the heart, which begins beating just a couple of weeks after conception. God only knows. And I'm okay with that.
But I also had to deal with another hurt - the hurt of people not getting it when I told them. And it took me a long time to tell most people. Good thing I waited. This wound was fresh and open for a long time. Satan was definitely working on me to betray God and lash out at people. Bitterness and anger were trying to consume me and I had to fight those with everything I had. I even remember one Sunday soon after having to hold my communion in my hands for what seemed like eternity weeping because I couldn't honestly take it knowing I had not examined my heart and was carrying junk not yet submitted to God. I was heavy with emotional burdens of pain, sadness, grief, anger, frustration, questioning, and doubt. And one of God's sweet angels swooped in and prayed over us as she saw my agony. Bless her. Even now, being 25 weeks pregnant with our 4th baby, the pain is real and present. I'm typing through tears. And that's what many people don't get if they haven't been there.
Losing a baby in utero, especially earlier on in gestation, is sometimes viewed as "easier" than losing one later on who could be held and seen and cherished as a mother desires. I have to say that I cringe at such language as it implies less value of the babies lost earlier on, like it's not as difficult to handle. I know it's not intentional. However, I had more than one encounter where I was "encouraged" to feel a certain way because it was so early. A great read recently was from a blog of a woman who suffered losses and saw a great disconnect in how many pro-lifers treat babies to be aborted and babies who are lost by miscarriage. I encourage you take the time to read and share. We as the body of Christ need to be aware of how we speak and act towards those who lose babies before birth no matter how. And it needs to be consistent and saturated in God's love.
I can't tell you exactly how to act towards anyone you know who is suffering with this kind of loss. Every loss is unique. What I can tell you, however, is that you can never go wrong with arms that are willing to receive someone hurting and ears that are ready to listen and listen and listen. Please keep your mouth shut and assume all the questions asked as being rhetorical. Get a box of tissues or a hanky and allot a good chunk of time to just being there. Grief is not logical or rational. It hurts. And if you have kids, just pretend you lost one of yours. And then feel the hurt it would bring. That's where your friend is. It's a dark, lonely vacuum of pain. The light is present and will be noticeable soon, but until then, be that pillar of support. Bite your tongue if you feel the need to tell her how to feel (or him) or why she should be grateful. (Really???) And just be loving and gentle and there. Treat those who've lost just as if they had lost a child after years of life. It matters and it counts.
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