When I think of the differences between those of us who claim Christ as our Savior and those who don't, one thing struck me the other day as a stark contrast between the two groups. And it's probably not the normal, typical responses - "We're sinners saved by grace" or "We are broken people just with a Savior" and so on. No, it went beyond that and to a place that just about anyone can comprehend regardless of their biblical savvy.
I'm talking about how people choose to numb vs. heal their spirits, their inner selves, their "chi" or whatever the latest jargon is for what makes you who you are. Your innate self at its basest level is in need of one or the other; your choice is whether you choose to heal or to numb.
The vast majority of people on this planet choose to numb. It comes in many forms. You can see it culturally as you span the globe. Take the eastern cultures views on religion and notice a connection between appeasing the spirits of ancestors for their inner peace. You see the radical Islamist dedicate his unfailing and blanket commitment to Allah via violence, oppression of others, and even suicide as a way to make good to his god. Even Buddhists find "peace" in their chantings and rituals and rigid abstentions all for the sake of nirvana. And then in places of the Western world, we like to drown our spirits in spirits. A lot. Or we maximize our sexuality to encompass more than our virgin selves ever could have pondered. We take up hobbies and find good deeds to satisfy that nagging feeling at night as we nod off to sleep…"do I really make a difference? And do I really matter? Does any of it matter?" Those are just some examples.
Even Christians fall prey to numbing for the sake of looking in the mirror without disgust. We check off our list of "good" we do like Bible reading, attending church whenever the doors are open, signing up for the bake sale and children's church, and don't forget the missions trip! But the heart of the matter is really our purpose behind such activities. Why do we do it? It's a great question that really demands to be answered every day. It's a perfect question when we're reflecting over Christ's sacrifice during communion. We dare not drink judgment on ourselves. We better make sure we understand fully that Christ's sacrifice is sufficient for all our healing needs down to the deepest part of who He made us to be. If we don't fully rely on this, we are hypocrites and just like the Pharisees who swooned over the specifics of the law to get straight A's instead of taking the spirit of the law to heart and letting it guide them in righteousness.
I had a little crying session yesterday. Yes, I'm pregnant and hormonal. But still, crying isn't normal for me to express frustration and discouragement. But yesterday, it was the perfect outlet. I was feeling quite overwhelmed in what I have on my plate for responsibility. I have 2 crazy, lovable, rambunctious boys to train up and protect. I have a baby soon to come who will need me almost constantly while maintaining the prior 2. I am on track to regain my position in Mary Kay AND earn a car, which I have never done. I live 20+ hours from both families and rely on non-family to help me with child care, for which I gladly pay. I don't end each day feeling super productive or prospered. I got zero responses from the many people I contacted yesterday for my business and haven't had the month I was expecting AT ALL. Plus, my husband is needed for Easter prep and rehearsal and such, which means I get few breaks from being mom in order to work to grow my business.
It was in that moment where this all culminated in my brain and heart and soul and stomach and left me feeling blah. I felt helpless and defeated. Discouragement raged inside of me. Knowing that it was probably just a passing phase, I kept on working. I pushed through. Then when 9 pm hit, I put my phone down and went upstairs and just laid on the bed, silent tears falling while I stared at the beige wall. It was in that broken, awful moment where I was releasing all that crap inside me that I heard words of Jesus going through my head. Things like, "My yoke is easy", "I am the way, the truth, and the life", "I go to prepare a place for you", and "But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth." And don't forget that "spirit of power" that was written to Timothy! I felt the burden lifting and realized that I was trying to numb with success what Jesus had healed at the cross. Yes, success in my business is important because it will allow so much more freedom for our family and open up our abundance to give greatly beyond what we've been able to in the past. However, I was allowing the lack of daily success, monthly success to overshadow the grace that had so greatly and perfectly washed over my inability to save myself. I have a permanent home with Jesus to ponder! I am forgiven! I may feel icky for the moment with the way things were going, but I ultimately have rest and peace and healing.
So no more numbing for me! My worth is not dependent on how much I sell or how many appts I have on my books. It doesn't matter if my house is clean and my kids ate 3 square meals. Jesus has it all covered better than any health insurance plan. The healing has taken place and is lasting. Why should I allow anything else to numb a healthy soul?
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