Yes, it does. Sex starts in the brain. Your perception of sex will color every other aspect of sex no matter how good your lover is. This is tough and difficult to discuss for some women, not to mention tough and difficult to overcome negative perceptions of sex. So let me say this before I begin the rest of my thoughts:
- If you have ever had a traumatic sexual experience, you will need to find help through this or else you may never reach a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship with your spouse.
- If you had an influence in your childhood who portrayed sex as negative in any way, you will have to figure out how to reprogram your brain to think of sex as good, a gift from God, for you & your spouse.
- If you do not enjoy sex physically, you could be one of the unfortunate few whose body doesn't respond to sexual stimulation. Please talk to your doctor and make sure your husband is aware so that you are not deceiving him "for his sake".
Please don't read into anything about my being insensitive if you are in one of the groups above. With that on the table, I can begin.
Your sexuality has been developing ever since you started becoming aware of things like the differences in men & women, the interaction of those who were romantically involved (namely, your parents), pregnant women, and so forth. Then your exposure widened into relationships on TV, possible dating of your own as a teen, and unfortunate scenes in movies. If you had a strong father or father figure who expressed healthy affection towards you, you are probably the best off! My dad would constantly tell my sister & me how beautiful we were even if we had just rolled out of bed in our night shirts with hair disheveled and morning breath raging. He hugged us, gave us kisses and affirmed us constantly as lovely young women. That is POWERFUL. Even during my homely days as a tween & young teen I never really had any complexes about my looks or weight. If you've seen those pictures, you know how big of a deal that is! I was morphing through puberty…
If you did not have that kind of influence, then you relied more on books, stories from others, seeing friends' dads love them genuinely, or went without. I'm really, really sorry for that. And this is a huge reason why dads are SO important to our children! They help both boys & girls develop their sexuality in a healthy way when shown what a real man is like. We moms are also quite important, but that's understood. Most families are falling apart not because mom left. Unfortunate but true.
But even if you were not privileged to be guided by a great dad, you can restore your mindset on sex. Most books on changing your thought patterns suggest that your mind needs to have something to chew on. So if you take a negative thought away, it must be replaced with a positive one. So start there. Make a list even. Take that list, decide it's Satan's way of tainting this God-given gift of sex, and burn it! Then make a new list with as many items as the previous. Hang it on your mirror, put it in your journal, tape it to the dashboard or visor in your car, or post it on the fridge! Ladies, it must be present in your day to day in order to reset your mind. Otherwise, those negative thoughts you supposedly burned will resurrect from the ashes and make their way back to your subconscious. DO NOT DEFEAT YOURSELF BEFORE YOU EVEN START! If sex is something you want more of, better of in your life, then please hear me out and find a way to bombard your brain with the good thoughts on sex.
Maybe your list looks like this:
Negative
1. He always wants it.
2. It just feels dirty.
3. I don't feel comfortable.
4. I still don't know why he wants "that" all the time.
5. I'm so tired.
6. I can't forgive myself for _____________.
7. I can't forgive him for ___________.
8. He STILL hasn't helped me with any of the housework.
9. I don't know if he even likes to see me naked.
10. He always wants the lights on!
Sound familiar? Now burn it (yes, burn it!) and make a new list on a fresh, clean sheet of pretty paper. 1-10
Positive
1. He is always really excited when I tell him yes.
2. He is absolutely lovey dovey the entire next day!
3. He seems to listen so much better the next few days afterward.
4. I feel sexier with candlelight.
5. When I do feel up to it, it is really fun!
6. I feel more comfortable when the kids aren't home.
7. He does always remember our anniversary/my birthday.
8. It is kind of fun when we have pillow talk.
9. He does give really great shoulder/foot massages.
10. He is good about having music play.
These may seem silly to you. But when we think about sex with our mates, it's hard not to be a little teenager feeling and giddy, right? That's GOOD! You don't want that to go away. Flirtatious behavior is a GREAT type of foreplay and keeps you longing for each other.
Now that you've made your list, post it high & low & all over to stay in your brain regularly throughout the day. Maybe you'll add on. But be sure to let that list wash over your thoughts incessantly. And take some time to pray over your list and ask God to help you develop that sense of longing and sensuality for your man, not to mention to truly erase the negative thoughts. Maybe it needs to be part of your quiet time in the mornings or before bed. Remember God wants you to have healthy sex life! You are fulfilling his plan for marriage and sustaining the bond that no one should ever sever.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. Whew! I'll be back for more later. This is THE perfect time of year to get your sex life on track because it's typically cold outside. Who wants to stay warm???
Happy Thanksgiving!
No comments:
Post a Comment