Yes, please know your man. If you aren't an expert, THE guru, on your husband, you are slacking in your vows and your role as his wife. This should sting if it's true. We all have times when we haven't been as diligent in putting him first only after God and need a shot in the arm to get back on track. This is part of the joy of being his wife! You alone know the intimate intricacies of your husband in all aspect's of your marriage. You should know what makes him tick from feeling affirmed (SUPER important for men) to sexual desire & preferences to his favorite meal. It's YOU who holds this power. And it's YOU who has promised to fulfill what he needs. Don't underestimate your power. And don't let the power go to your head and become leverage. That isn't godly and can be detrimental to the integrity of your marriage.
So what do men need? Lots and lots of good books on this. I haven't read them all. I have read His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Your Marriage by Willard F. Harley, Jr. This book helps to give you a love bank perspective while pairing it with realizing the top 5 needs of your man. Of course, the reverse is also true. So this book helps with both sides of this relationship. There's also Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, which gives a biblical perspective at the core of what God says we need from our spouses. Sounds simple enough, right? Women need to feel loved and men need to feel respected. However, in our highly feminist culture where women haven't need men for decades (supposedly), the perspective is skewed. And even some of us with the best intentions with being independent types have not allowed the Holy Spirit to really guide us in our treatment of our husbands.
Grab a book or your Kindle or whatever. Invest in some good education on the basics of men. Part of teaching sex ed was learning the differences about men & women sexually. Most I knew, but some I didn't. It was fascinating! Learning more about him should excite you in the possibilities for your marriage.
We know God made us differently for good reasons. We should try to adhere to what he made us to be. The 5 things I listed in my first post on Christian Women's Sexuality include what we are to be in the marriage relationship. Read through those. (I'll go grab a cookie & some chocolate milk while I wait…)
Okay. Get it? I'll dissect those more in depth in posts to come.
But your man. God gives SO much to our men. And it's not just the good stuff. Or should I say easy stuff. It's all GOOD. Or at least for our good. God made men with several innate differences that make him sexually opposite of us.
1. He's HIGHLY visual. This is why you'll oftentimes see very attractive women with average men. We don't respond the same to the physical attributes. This is also why men like to have sex with the lights on. They are wired to be stimulated with their eyes. That is typically where it begins after the brain initiates the start of arousal. He wants to see you…all of you…naked…and wanting him! Who cares if you have stretch marks or dimples on the back of you or your silky smooth skin, which he LOVES, isn't as tan as it used to be? Or who cares if your girls aren't as perky as before nursing your babies? They are HIS! This excites him and affirms him as your husband when you let him partake of your awesome female form that is solely his. Please don't underrate this. If he tells you you're hot, believe it and accept that. Don't poo poo on his complement. The fact that you choose to lay down next to him every night means something. Let him take you in visually.
2. He's got HIGH sensory acuity to touch. This goes both ways. He wants to touch you and you to touch him. One thing I realize for men is that we girls are sometimes too modest with our husbands during sex. I'm sorry, ladies. This is our one glimpse into what it was like for Adam & Eve in the Garden of Eden. To be comfortable with someone while both completely naked is something they experienced regularly before sin. Simmer on that thought. You can get a sample of what God had for us before sin. That's powerful! Now enjoy it. Be comfortable with being naked with your man and let each other enjoy what God has given you. Touching can be simple or complex. These are personal preferences that you should both know about each other!
3. Which leads me to the fact that your husband is NOT a mind reader. Most men don't have that intuition like we ladies do. Please don't let your husband persist in the same things over and over if it's not what you want. In his mind, if he doesn't know it's broken, he won't do anything to fix it. This goes for any part of your marriage. But so many women, because we're so ladylike (BOO), just grin and bear it. But what you're doing, essentially, is deceiving him and lying to him about his way of showing love to you. And yes, that's a BIG way men show love. Let him! And help him to get really good at showing it to YOU. This is where you have to be very candid and say words that may sound dirty in any other context. Please don't hold back. Be respectful in how you present it. But be crystal clear on what you'd like him to do for you. If you persist in allowing something that isn't working, you only grow in bitterness and resentment, which is completely unwarranted, and possibly damage your husband's masculinity once he finds out he's been subpar in the sack. That's the LAST place you want him to feel less than.
4. Men are insatiable, so it seems. Yes, they want it…a lot. But who cares? A respectful man won't paw at his wife to pester and guilt her into having sex. Or just tick her off in the process. What I want to say is that your husband should NEVER have to paw at you for sex. This is his #1 need from you. I mean, think about it. We take care of our kids' needs even when it's zero fun and the last thing you want to do, right? I'm not saying you should suck it up every time and bear it. I'm suggesting you change your thought process about sex and why it's vital to a healthy marriage and a blissfully happy husband. Once you can start thinking differently, it won't be such a chore when the times come that he wants it and you aren't quite up to it. Your mindset will be that this is your responsibility but also your pleasure to meet this need of his. I challenge you to make up your mind to never say no to your husband just because you're tired or not in the mood or he didn't vacuum like he said or whatever. (Obvious reasons for not having sex are understood. He really shouldn't ask if you're sick or just had a baby.) And for those who already stand by that should start to be proactive in taking care of your man. My sister got some wise advice from an older nurse she worked with back in NW AR. "Let me tell ya about taking care of your man. Every few days you'll start to notice he's a little grumpy or blue. That's when you take him to the bedroom and show him a good time. Then a few days later, the same will happen and you do your thing." She was so WISE! She actually insisted that my sister be AWARE of her husband's moods (just like we so often demand of our husbands with us) and act accordingly to assist in making it all better. One great bonus of all this is that when he's super satisfied sexually, you'll probably have a much more helpful spouse around the house. And he'll probably not be so turned off by the idea of watching the kids so you can have some alone time away from home. Try it. I dare you!
5. Men are sensitive. Yes, yes, yes, they are. It's just not the same as us. Their sexuality is their badge of masculinity. If they aren't rocking it, they aren't as confident in their manhood. I touched on this some above in #3. Please don't allow your husband to doubt his ability to be YOUR man and YOUR private pleasure toy. That boosts his spirits to a place we can't imagine. Plus, when his masculinity is damaged, he will find a place to mend it. And many times, it's not with you. Guard his sexuality and heart, ladies. They are precious.
There's probably so much more. Sex is really complicated. But over time in a healthy marriage, it should become a delicious side dish that is effortless and freeing. Where else can you be the bad girl you could never be in high school & college, right? Unleash your sexuality on your husband and his smile will never be bigger. I don't want to be tactless, but there's much to be said about bringing your A-game to the marriage bed. So much included in that. We'll unload it later!
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