Ten years.
That's a FULL DECADE! And it does have a certain way of making me feel older. Just like when I had my 10th high school reunion in 2010. But this is a much better celebration than just being graduated from high school. Monte & I have hit a milestone in married years that has become harder and harder for couples to reach these days. And in reality, it hasn't been that hard to stay married. I'll expound.
First of all, we both had/have excellent examples of marriages all around us. Perfect marriage? No. But exemplary in their commitment to what marriage is supposed to be and making sure that every day that commitment is renewed mutually with a higher purpose of giving much due honor & glory to God. Needless to say, we were set up for success before we ever even thought about getting married or meeting each other. Priceless.
Secondly, we are both wholeheartedly convicted that Jesus is Lord. When we keep God at the center of our marriage and the reason we live and breathe and have our being, we empower, not only our marriage, but each other in our relationships with Christ. Priceless.
Next, we said vows that meant something beyond just lip service for a great ceremony. Those vows sprang to life in our hearts & minds the moment they were uttered before God and the 200+ people at our wedding. It was sealed. Unfortunately, a man's word is no longer considered his bond. But for us, we took it seriously and meant every word even if we were completely unaware of what life would bring or where it would take us. Priceless.
Aside from being loved and supported by our great parents and other family and friends, we also take time daily to spend time with God in sweet communion with Him. It's not always lengthy or as eloquent as we hope, but He hears our voices lifted to Him often. At times, we crumble before Him in doubt or fear and gush our human weaknesses to Him unsure of what to do. Other times, we get to leap for joy and dance or sing because of our gratitude for how He's conquered or provided. Okay, maybe Monte doesn't dance. But you get my point. We take time to remember the sweeter relationship we have high above our marriage to each other. Priceless
We can also talk to each other when things are gloriously blissful or tense. I was very fortunate to marry a man who rarely yells. That was kind of foreign to me when we first got married. I was glad, but I would still yell at times of anger. Slowly, it faded and my raised voice is now typically reserved for immediate interventions with the children for important reasons like safety or to stopping one from trying to drink from the toilet. This leads us to be on the same page most of the time, which contributes to a smoother flow in our family. Communicating regularly, that habit, is so vital to thrive in marriage. Even the seemingly insignificant stuff matters. We've also made certain things routine to afford us some quiet time in the evenings together like a 7:30 bedtime for our boys. No questions or changes unless we have some event that keeps us out. And it used to be 7! But this ensures we get a date night every night if we want. Or quiet time for each of us individually. Priceless.
All other stuff, circumstances, stressors, and so forth comes after our priority to our commitment to our marriage. And we protect this union like our lives depended on it! Because after all, it is priceless.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Friday, December 13, 2013
Vulnerability leaves me feeling so…….vulnerable.
Yeah, there's just not a better word to describe what it means to be vulnerable. So much goes into it and so much comes out from it. And not just for those who are married.
I've been reading a book that's fascinating to me called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. I'm taking golden nuggets of goodness from it every time I sit down and curl up with my iBooks. Now she's not a Christian author, per se, and there is a very small amount of language that I wouldn't use. But her research into shame and what it means to be vulnerable, which solves our relational woes, is epic. She has interviewed thousands of people over the past 6+ years into this research. So she's getting a good grasp on it. As a social worker with her Master's in social work and her PhD in social work, she's seen a lot of shame and what keeps people locked into that shame. She thought she could correct it and put it in a nice file folder in her mind to which she would refer to when needed and handle it with the correct protocol. Nope. Sure can't! And this journey of hers has led her into a place of healing and finding peace and worth in herself to be willing to DARE GREATLY!
This book gives so much insight into vulnerability that I highly suggest it to be high on your reading list. If you don't have a reading list, start one! Your brain craves this stimulation and processing. It keeps you sharp and helps you stay adept in a world where knowledge is oozing technologically all around you.
This word vulnerability literally means "to wound" from the Latin. Ick. Why would you want that?? That's what I ask myself, especially being a woman whose primary motivation is POWER. I'm a red or a high D or Lion depending on what gauge you're using to figure me out. Being vulnerable isn't a concept easily swallowed by those who crave power. This is why you see so many politicians keep lying and lying and lying to our faces no matter how caught they are. They are unwilling to be vulnerable. In the world of politics, it may eat you up sometimes. But in the real world, it's pivotal and integral to having a meaningful and fulfilling and rewarding and rich relationship with ANYONE. And if our husbands rank first on the list of relationships, then we need to be the MOST vulnerable with him. My husband can attest that despite my tough, powerful facade, I'm not always so. But he gets me on a special level where I know I'm safe even when allowing myself to be wounded (AKA vulnerable). This is probably the crux of why the phrase "love hurts" became so widely known. It's true! And this honest phrase of 2 little words is why I type today.
You need to be willing to be vulnerable. What does this mean? It means allowing every part of you to be known and open for criticism and judgment. It's what writers do when they offer up their work. Or a songwriter or performer or painter who puts his art on display. It's that "all in" mentality where all the layers of the onion are peeled off to leave not even a smidgen of protection. This is what you need to embrace to be fully known and then to also fully know. When there's a mutual giving of oneself to another and the return is done as well, it's a magnificent masterpiece. Another snippet of the Garden of Eden for us post-sin. The intricate and minuscule facets of your being now a part of someone else's. No longer are there secrets about who you are. No longer do you hold things in to stay safe. Just the opposite. You almost turn yourself inside out.
Does that ring true in your marriage? Or any relationship you hold dear? I don't feel that being the same kind of vulnerable with your man should be the same kind of vulnerable you should be with your friends. Each relationship has its capacity and healthy expectation of vulnerability. Allow for it and watch the fruit burst forth from that submission. Mmmmm….good.
Another part of Brene's research found that those who had "shame resilience" were those who found themselves worthy. They were worthy of love, devotion, admiration, respect, being heard, and anything of which healthy people should feel worthy. I find that many women lack a sense of worth altogether for multiple reasons with multiple roots. Addressing these root and reasons will help a bounty of worthiness to flow out of her and receive the "shame resilience" that is so vital to being truly filled with joy.
So much more. As always. I'm signing off. Please allow a way for your husband to see all of you. It won't happen immediately. But over time, it can. And when you can be truly vulnerable, you can also enjoy immensely pleasurable sex with him, which just makes the whole idea of marriage sizzle even more! Whoop!
I've been reading a book that's fascinating to me called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. I'm taking golden nuggets of goodness from it every time I sit down and curl up with my iBooks. Now she's not a Christian author, per se, and there is a very small amount of language that I wouldn't use. But her research into shame and what it means to be vulnerable, which solves our relational woes, is epic. She has interviewed thousands of people over the past 6+ years into this research. So she's getting a good grasp on it. As a social worker with her Master's in social work and her PhD in social work, she's seen a lot of shame and what keeps people locked into that shame. She thought she could correct it and put it in a nice file folder in her mind to which she would refer to when needed and handle it with the correct protocol. Nope. Sure can't! And this journey of hers has led her into a place of healing and finding peace and worth in herself to be willing to DARE GREATLY!
This book gives so much insight into vulnerability that I highly suggest it to be high on your reading list. If you don't have a reading list, start one! Your brain craves this stimulation and processing. It keeps you sharp and helps you stay adept in a world where knowledge is oozing technologically all around you.
This word vulnerability literally means "to wound" from the Latin. Ick. Why would you want that?? That's what I ask myself, especially being a woman whose primary motivation is POWER. I'm a red or a high D or Lion depending on what gauge you're using to figure me out. Being vulnerable isn't a concept easily swallowed by those who crave power. This is why you see so many politicians keep lying and lying and lying to our faces no matter how caught they are. They are unwilling to be vulnerable. In the world of politics, it may eat you up sometimes. But in the real world, it's pivotal and integral to having a meaningful and fulfilling and rewarding and rich relationship with ANYONE. And if our husbands rank first on the list of relationships, then we need to be the MOST vulnerable with him. My husband can attest that despite my tough, powerful facade, I'm not always so. But he gets me on a special level where I know I'm safe even when allowing myself to be wounded (AKA vulnerable). This is probably the crux of why the phrase "love hurts" became so widely known. It's true! And this honest phrase of 2 little words is why I type today.
You need to be willing to be vulnerable. What does this mean? It means allowing every part of you to be known and open for criticism and judgment. It's what writers do when they offer up their work. Or a songwriter or performer or painter who puts his art on display. It's that "all in" mentality where all the layers of the onion are peeled off to leave not even a smidgen of protection. This is what you need to embrace to be fully known and then to also fully know. When there's a mutual giving of oneself to another and the return is done as well, it's a magnificent masterpiece. Another snippet of the Garden of Eden for us post-sin. The intricate and minuscule facets of your being now a part of someone else's. No longer are there secrets about who you are. No longer do you hold things in to stay safe. Just the opposite. You almost turn yourself inside out.
Does that ring true in your marriage? Or any relationship you hold dear? I don't feel that being the same kind of vulnerable with your man should be the same kind of vulnerable you should be with your friends. Each relationship has its capacity and healthy expectation of vulnerability. Allow for it and watch the fruit burst forth from that submission. Mmmmm….good.
Another part of Brene's research found that those who had "shame resilience" were those who found themselves worthy. They were worthy of love, devotion, admiration, respect, being heard, and anything of which healthy people should feel worthy. I find that many women lack a sense of worth altogether for multiple reasons with multiple roots. Addressing these root and reasons will help a bounty of worthiness to flow out of her and receive the "shame resilience" that is so vital to being truly filled with joy.
So much more. As always. I'm signing off. Please allow a way for your husband to see all of you. It won't happen immediately. But over time, it can. And when you can be truly vulnerable, you can also enjoy immensely pleasurable sex with him, which just makes the whole idea of marriage sizzle even more! Whoop!
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Christian Women & Their Sexuality: Being a Godly Helpmate
I just love this word - helpmate. So old school and a bible original, it's seems. But it's very simple even if living it out isn't quite so.
We in the USA are in an opposing culture to the traditional sense of marital roles. Although the tide seems to be turning some, which is a breath of fresh air. New studies and editorials are out showing more and more woman understanding that it is not such a bad thing to want a man in their lives. It's also beyond just what a man would do for her encompassing the other side of things in how she can fulfill the longing inside her to please him as well. I wish I could find the link. It was going around on FB. Great read!
Despite the culture, we hold to a higher calling in our love for our Savior. Some women won't get it. Paul warned us that the Lord's wisdom would seem like foolishness to those of the world. So get over it and forget what any of your peers are saying in how independent and smug they may be in regards to how they treat their husbands. That is, if you're letting their perception of you dictate the way you share about your relationship with your man.
So what does it mean to be a helpmate? I'm sure there are tons of ways others, men & women alike, have responded to this. But I'll take a crack at it.
First, I see being a helpmate as being your husband's #1 confidante. This doesn't replace your girlfriends, necessarily. But there are levels and boundaries that are there with your girlfriends that many times shouldn't be there with your husband. And the intensity of your trust and reliance on each other with your deepest hopes & dreams & struggles only grows over time. When these start to deteriorate there is trouble. Your relationship is dangerously close to the brink of failure. There is a certain vulnerability only with him. And I'll speak of vulnerability more next time as an extension of this. There's just too much goodness in that word that revitalizes and secures relationships. In essence, being his confidante means you have to know him through conversation. This can be tricky with busy schedules and tiny people in the house. It has to be intentional. And so much of this can be established before marriage.
Secondly, being his helpmate is meeting his needs; and by needs, I mean sex. This is sometimes a scary undertaking for women who lack in self-confidence, have issue steeling sexy, or maybe those who don't have much of a libido naturally. I get it. But you can be an Oscar winning actress in your seduction skills. Yes, ma'am. Nothing would please him more. Like I said before, you're not always excited to take care of what your kids need, but you do it and know it's part of being their mom. You should at least give your husband the same consideration. Right, girls? Give him the goods. God says to be a cheerful giver, right? (Wink, wink)
This is a general thought on the rest. Be there for him. If he's a good one, he's working hard and pushing past so many obstacles as a man to be faithful and honorable to you. Gird him with the tools to make it easier and enjoyable to come home to your arms and kisses and bed. Help him know that when he opens up he won't be chastised or nagged. Pray for this man who is or will be the father of your children. He desperately wants you to be his #1 cheerleader and supporter. And that's another good word for helpmate - supporter. Since you should be an expert on your man, you will know what he needs when & how. This is a priceless gesture of enduring love to him that he'll hate to ever lose!
We in the USA are in an opposing culture to the traditional sense of marital roles. Although the tide seems to be turning some, which is a breath of fresh air. New studies and editorials are out showing more and more woman understanding that it is not such a bad thing to want a man in their lives. It's also beyond just what a man would do for her encompassing the other side of things in how she can fulfill the longing inside her to please him as well. I wish I could find the link. It was going around on FB. Great read!
Despite the culture, we hold to a higher calling in our love for our Savior. Some women won't get it. Paul warned us that the Lord's wisdom would seem like foolishness to those of the world. So get over it and forget what any of your peers are saying in how independent and smug they may be in regards to how they treat their husbands. That is, if you're letting their perception of you dictate the way you share about your relationship with your man.
So what does it mean to be a helpmate? I'm sure there are tons of ways others, men & women alike, have responded to this. But I'll take a crack at it.
First, I see being a helpmate as being your husband's #1 confidante. This doesn't replace your girlfriends, necessarily. But there are levels and boundaries that are there with your girlfriends that many times shouldn't be there with your husband. And the intensity of your trust and reliance on each other with your deepest hopes & dreams & struggles only grows over time. When these start to deteriorate there is trouble. Your relationship is dangerously close to the brink of failure. There is a certain vulnerability only with him. And I'll speak of vulnerability more next time as an extension of this. There's just too much goodness in that word that revitalizes and secures relationships. In essence, being his confidante means you have to know him through conversation. This can be tricky with busy schedules and tiny people in the house. It has to be intentional. And so much of this can be established before marriage.
Secondly, being his helpmate is meeting his needs; and by needs, I mean sex. This is sometimes a scary undertaking for women who lack in self-confidence, have issue steeling sexy, or maybe those who don't have much of a libido naturally. I get it. But you can be an Oscar winning actress in your seduction skills. Yes, ma'am. Nothing would please him more. Like I said before, you're not always excited to take care of what your kids need, but you do it and know it's part of being their mom. You should at least give your husband the same consideration. Right, girls? Give him the goods. God says to be a cheerful giver, right? (Wink, wink)
This is a general thought on the rest. Be there for him. If he's a good one, he's working hard and pushing past so many obstacles as a man to be faithful and honorable to you. Gird him with the tools to make it easier and enjoyable to come home to your arms and kisses and bed. Help him know that when he opens up he won't be chastised or nagged. Pray for this man who is or will be the father of your children. He desperately wants you to be his #1 cheerleader and supporter. And that's another good word for helpmate - supporter. Since you should be an expert on your man, you will know what he needs when & how. This is a priceless gesture of enduring love to him that he'll hate to ever lose!
Monday, December 9, 2013
Off the soapbox for one day...
I'm off topic today on purpose. I wanted to share about something Monte & I do as an expecting couple that so many others don't: let the gender of our babies be a surprise. Trust me. I get why people want to find out. And it's so funny that when we tell people we don't find out ahead of time they immediately begin their list of reasons why they do. And I'm not looking down on anyone for finding out. It's a modern convenience that is safe & generally accepted by just about every OB in the country. But Monte & I have applied some principles to our lives such as "Just because you can doesn't always mean you should." I don't know who to attribute that to, but I do know that it's helped us realize that just because it's permissible or allowed doesn't always make it okay or a wise choice or necessary. Another one is from Scripture: "Do not be anxious about anything; but by prayer and petition, present your requests to God." [Phil 4:6] We have found that allowing simple anxiety or worry to drive us to make decisions isn't wise or helpful.
So here are some reasons why we don't:
1. We just like surprises. In an information age where we are inundated with every tidbit of information we can possibly imagine, it's nice to let that go and allow for this surprise - one of the only true surprises that are left!
2. It's fun! From driving my mom & sister nuts to the excitement of the delivery room, it's a thrilling ride. You can imagine either way if it's a boy or a girl and have fun daydreaming about what life would be like both ways. Of course, you can do this (and we all do) up to the time of the US around 20 weeks.
3. We got NECESSARY baby things at our showers. I can't stress this enough. Instead of getting 25 0-3 mo outfits with monogramming & such to make it unreturnable we got bath towels and diapers and baby bedding and the list goes on. There were a few hopefuls in there who were gutsy enough to buy a gender specific gift (but w/ a gift receipt). Plus, we were ready for subsequent children with our gender neutral supplies.
4. This is THE most convincing to so many guys; it saves you a TON of money! We all know people (yourself included possibly) who just could NOT stand to stay out of the baby stores once the gender was known. We spent so little on our children, and we're very proud of that. There is an epidemic of baby marketing in this country that is very successful but not yielding any actual good benefits to the children. With ever increasing debt out there it's a non-essential to deck out my infant's room on the same level as Beyonce's dressing room. We did not want to be sucked into that temptation.
5. Babies do not, I repeat, do not care what the room looks like, what the clothes look like, if the bedding all coordinates, what color the walls are, or any aesthetic thing you can do to "prepare" for them. It's just like doing all of this for your dog. There's no return on your investment other than your own peace of mind or satisfaction. I'm way too practical. Plus, I don't really enjoy shopping anyway. All babies care about is having mama, being fed, changed & warm and getting to sleep. They don't even care if their lotion is fragranced.
6. It helps us to lean more heavily on the Father. (See Phil 4:6 above) Yes, I believe God enjoys watching us submit anything in our lives that would cause us to be anxious, especially something that may distract us. When people ask us what we're having, we typically just answer, "A baby." They smile and sometimes wait for one of us to say the gender. We then tell them we choose to wait and that God knows and He's got it all under control. And He does. Whether or not the nursery is completed or the clothes are washed & hung in color order. AND this also causes us to be 100% at peace and overjoyed no matter the gender. It's our own kind of spiritual discipline where we relinquish control to God and trust that He does great work!
7. It's old fashioned. In a world that is constantly rushing to progress to the next modern height, we prefer to keep it simple and find joy in being simple. When I share that we're waiting until Baby's birthday to find out, so many who are 50+ are tickled that us youngins' would do something so old school. It's almost like we're trusting them. Kinda funny, but there's a connection made when they hear that we aren't in a hurry.
8. It's a good test of endurance and patience. If we are able to hold out the 9 months to know if Baby is a boy or girl, then there's a good chance we can be patient in other areas. It strengthens our ability to wait and not feel the need to control it.
9. You only have 2 choices. I think I would find out if there were more than 3 options. But since it's boy or girl, I'm okay with waiting. Any normal grandmother is able to deck out a baby's room and closet in no more than 24 hrs. You don't need months and months to plan.
10. Baby showers WITH the baby there! You can open and enjoy the blessings that your friends & family & loved ones are bestowing on your family WHILE the baby gets to be seen and passed around and kissed on. This is how it used to be done and can be more convenient for all of those who find it hard to visit at the hospital or once you go home. We're super busy.
11. No one in the Bible knew unless it was revealed supernaturally by God. That one is mainly for all the people who give me spiritual reasons why they find out. (I love ribbing people!)
That's not an exhaustive list, necessarily. I'm due for my afternoon nap, and my brain is a tad foggy. Please don't find anything offensive. That's not it's intent. And I'm very sarcastic! This is how we've wrapped our brains around it. And I'm not saying I'm right because I'm not you and it's a very personal choice whether or not to find out. We can all just be grateful we can and rejoice in the amazing medical advances made in the past century to allow us all to live pretty normally post partum. If you love Jesus, maybe it should be a matter for prayer if you need to submit to Him more and put your anxieties at His feet. It may help or entertain or infuriate. I release it to you!
So here are some reasons why we don't:
1. We just like surprises. In an information age where we are inundated with every tidbit of information we can possibly imagine, it's nice to let that go and allow for this surprise - one of the only true surprises that are left!
2. It's fun! From driving my mom & sister nuts to the excitement of the delivery room, it's a thrilling ride. You can imagine either way if it's a boy or a girl and have fun daydreaming about what life would be like both ways. Of course, you can do this (and we all do) up to the time of the US around 20 weeks.
3. We got NECESSARY baby things at our showers. I can't stress this enough. Instead of getting 25 0-3 mo outfits with monogramming & such to make it unreturnable we got bath towels and diapers and baby bedding and the list goes on. There were a few hopefuls in there who were gutsy enough to buy a gender specific gift (but w/ a gift receipt). Plus, we were ready for subsequent children with our gender neutral supplies.
4. This is THE most convincing to so many guys; it saves you a TON of money! We all know people (yourself included possibly) who just could NOT stand to stay out of the baby stores once the gender was known. We spent so little on our children, and we're very proud of that. There is an epidemic of baby marketing in this country that is very successful but not yielding any actual good benefits to the children. With ever increasing debt out there it's a non-essential to deck out my infant's room on the same level as Beyonce's dressing room. We did not want to be sucked into that temptation.
5. Babies do not, I repeat, do not care what the room looks like, what the clothes look like, if the bedding all coordinates, what color the walls are, or any aesthetic thing you can do to "prepare" for them. It's just like doing all of this for your dog. There's no return on your investment other than your own peace of mind or satisfaction. I'm way too practical. Plus, I don't really enjoy shopping anyway. All babies care about is having mama, being fed, changed & warm and getting to sleep. They don't even care if their lotion is fragranced.
6. It helps us to lean more heavily on the Father. (See Phil 4:6 above) Yes, I believe God enjoys watching us submit anything in our lives that would cause us to be anxious, especially something that may distract us. When people ask us what we're having, we typically just answer, "A baby." They smile and sometimes wait for one of us to say the gender. We then tell them we choose to wait and that God knows and He's got it all under control. And He does. Whether or not the nursery is completed or the clothes are washed & hung in color order. AND this also causes us to be 100% at peace and overjoyed no matter the gender. It's our own kind of spiritual discipline where we relinquish control to God and trust that He does great work!
7. It's old fashioned. In a world that is constantly rushing to progress to the next modern height, we prefer to keep it simple and find joy in being simple. When I share that we're waiting until Baby's birthday to find out, so many who are 50+ are tickled that us youngins' would do something so old school. It's almost like we're trusting them. Kinda funny, but there's a connection made when they hear that we aren't in a hurry.
8. It's a good test of endurance and patience. If we are able to hold out the 9 months to know if Baby is a boy or girl, then there's a good chance we can be patient in other areas. It strengthens our ability to wait and not feel the need to control it.
9. You only have 2 choices. I think I would find out if there were more than 3 options. But since it's boy or girl, I'm okay with waiting. Any normal grandmother is able to deck out a baby's room and closet in no more than 24 hrs. You don't need months and months to plan.
10. Baby showers WITH the baby there! You can open and enjoy the blessings that your friends & family & loved ones are bestowing on your family WHILE the baby gets to be seen and passed around and kissed on. This is how it used to be done and can be more convenient for all of those who find it hard to visit at the hospital or once you go home. We're super busy.
11. No one in the Bible knew unless it was revealed supernaturally by God. That one is mainly for all the people who give me spiritual reasons why they find out. (I love ribbing people!)
That's not an exhaustive list, necessarily. I'm due for my afternoon nap, and my brain is a tad foggy. Please don't find anything offensive. That's not it's intent. And I'm very sarcastic! This is how we've wrapped our brains around it. And I'm not saying I'm right because I'm not you and it's a very personal choice whether or not to find out. We can all just be grateful we can and rejoice in the amazing medical advances made in the past century to allow us all to live pretty normally post partum. If you love Jesus, maybe it should be a matter for prayer if you need to submit to Him more and put your anxieties at His feet. It may help or entertain or infuriate. I release it to you!
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Christian Women & Their Sexuality: Part 2
I've been reading Jon Acuff's Start, which instructs us how to be on the path to awesome. Part of the process, which is 4 stages, is Learning. Wow! You have to learn to be awesome. What a concept! It seems that some people just ARE awesome. But it turns out, most people who seem awesome naturally to us typically had a less than remarkable journey there. I think this applies well to your sex life. Don't you think your husband would squeal with joy (on the inside, at least) if you told him that you wanted to walk the path to awesome in your sex life?? I mean, stop and think about it. Play out that scenario. He would be utterly thrilled and need nothing else for Christmas. You want to learn how to be awesome at sex with him. Shake your head yes. Thank you.
So on our way to awesome, as sexually charged Christian wives who want to please our husbands wholeheartedly, we need to break down those 5 aspects I listed in my first post. Here's #1.
1. God decided that we LEAVE & CLEAVE to one another when we get married.
Gen 2:24, 25 - "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame."
These 2 verses in the beginnings of the Bible depicting the new world God laid out are rich & full of meaning to marriage. First of all, it does clearly define that marriage is between a man & a woman. No matter what man's laws may say, God's law is tried & true & timeless. And notice it's just 1 man and 1 woman. So even if you think you are only married to 1 man, be sure that your list of loyalties doesn't keep growing so as to minimize the attention you can give to each. It's God first, husband second & kids third. Everyone else comes after in order of importance in your life. Secondly, it gives us a glimpse into how marriage was to be without sin.
"…a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,"
This shows that men are to separate from their parents and create his new home where he intimately connects with his wife on every level. So guys, living in the basement forever into your adulthood will just show some ladies that you aren't ready for your own home. It is solid when a man is on his own and can hold down the fort without his mother's help. This means he's got some responsibility and experience in taking care of his home. Pride in your living space and how you live are very attractive to most women. Some of our needs are domestic support & security. This factor fulfills 2 of our top 5 needs.
"…and they will become one flesh."
We all know what this means! It's the big finale to the actual marriage. Once this connection is made you are "united" and made to be inseparable. In 1 Cor 6 Paul speaks of how even if a man unites himself with a prostitute that they are one and references this verse in Gen. In God's eyes, this completes the union and seals the deal. This is probably also why a couple can annul a marriage if no consummation has taken place. It was only on paper but not legitimate due to lack of uniting as one. Along with this, Genesis speaks to Eden in her curse after the fall that her "desire will be for [her] husband and he will rule over [her]." So when we are married, we are agreeing to be united as one flesh with our husbands. It's part of the deal. It's the END of the deal being sealed. It's our DUTY to unite with our husbands. And furthermore, if you weren't hot on that whole uniting part and become one flesh, you shouldn't have said yes. Isn't that just unfair? And lying? But God has made it to where we desire our husbands. This should be the case but isn't always. However, is your desire to be with your husband important enough to you? Because let me tell you that it is to God. And if God is first in your life, you'll honor him with your commitment to your husband. Also in 1 Cor 7, Paul speaks of our bodies being each other's in a marriage. He goes on to instruct us to only abstain for the sake of prayer and with a mutual decision being made about it. And only "for a time" since our flesh is weak and temptation can take over if we abstain too long. So if it's been more than a week since you've done the deed, chances are your man is chomping at the bit or releasing his tensions elsewhere in some other fashion. And then we get mad about it?? Hmmmm…that's unfair. And if he's scared to even ask for it, that's so unfortunate. Give him the green light! Let him savor you in all of your womanly beauty and goodness. God said you were GOOD! He meant it.
"The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame."
Only in 2 circumstances of your life are you unashamed to be naked (or should be) - early childhood and in marriage. This nakedness is a true sense of vulnerability. You are literally laid bare and exposed to the maximum extent. But the last part of that verse is often the most difficult and sometimes impossible for some people (women, mainly) to achieve: "…and they felt no shame." I would give great amounts of money (if I had it) if it would solve this problem for women. But it's a problem that stems from somewhere deep and has no real dependence on how someone looks naked. Women of all shapes, sizes & fitness levels can still struggle with this. Read an article from some supermodel and how she feels about herself. We may read that and think, "What is her problem? If I had her body…." And we begin to judge. But this insecurity and refusal to be vulnerable in nakedness is from Satan and how he's conditioned us to be ashamed of our naked bodies. Now I love all the ways we are trying to educate and encourage young girls and women to embrace their bodies. I don't think we need to show anyone exposed to get that across, really. I think that only leaves more room for judgment and criticism. If your body is less than perfect, you gotta find ways to like it or improve what is within your power. Our weakness only makes God's power look mightier. This area included. Let His power pour over your insecurity and wash it away. Trust me. Your hubby isn't taking notes on misplaced dimples, stretch marks from babies or puberty and any extra chub in different areas of your physique. And if he is, it's probably his "thing" in embracing exactly who his wife is naked. It's his body, as 1 Cor 7 also shares. As his is yours. And he definitely wants you to embrace his naked body! (Think candlelight. It's remarkably forgiving!)
1 Cor 7:3, "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband." Yes! I receive this command with joy. And persistence. I wouldn't say we're still in the Learning stage with this one on our path to awesome because we've been diligently working on this for almost 10 years. However, if you lose practice, you have to pick it back up and work at it again. All marriages go through fluxes and valleys where the sparkle factor really isn't there. But God is good and wants your marriage to be a joyful experience for you, as well as a telling example of how godly marriage IS the best way.
So on our way to awesome, as sexually charged Christian wives who want to please our husbands wholeheartedly, we need to break down those 5 aspects I listed in my first post. Here's #1.
1. God decided that we LEAVE & CLEAVE to one another when we get married.
Gen 2:24, 25 - "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame."
These 2 verses in the beginnings of the Bible depicting the new world God laid out are rich & full of meaning to marriage. First of all, it does clearly define that marriage is between a man & a woman. No matter what man's laws may say, God's law is tried & true & timeless. And notice it's just 1 man and 1 woman. So even if you think you are only married to 1 man, be sure that your list of loyalties doesn't keep growing so as to minimize the attention you can give to each. It's God first, husband second & kids third. Everyone else comes after in order of importance in your life. Secondly, it gives us a glimpse into how marriage was to be without sin.
"…a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,"
This shows that men are to separate from their parents and create his new home where he intimately connects with his wife on every level. So guys, living in the basement forever into your adulthood will just show some ladies that you aren't ready for your own home. It is solid when a man is on his own and can hold down the fort without his mother's help. This means he's got some responsibility and experience in taking care of his home. Pride in your living space and how you live are very attractive to most women. Some of our needs are domestic support & security. This factor fulfills 2 of our top 5 needs.
"…and they will become one flesh."
We all know what this means! It's the big finale to the actual marriage. Once this connection is made you are "united" and made to be inseparable. In 1 Cor 6 Paul speaks of how even if a man unites himself with a prostitute that they are one and references this verse in Gen. In God's eyes, this completes the union and seals the deal. This is probably also why a couple can annul a marriage if no consummation has taken place. It was only on paper but not legitimate due to lack of uniting as one. Along with this, Genesis speaks to Eden in her curse after the fall that her "desire will be for [her] husband and he will rule over [her]." So when we are married, we are agreeing to be united as one flesh with our husbands. It's part of the deal. It's the END of the deal being sealed. It's our DUTY to unite with our husbands. And furthermore, if you weren't hot on that whole uniting part and become one flesh, you shouldn't have said yes. Isn't that just unfair? And lying? But God has made it to where we desire our husbands. This should be the case but isn't always. However, is your desire to be with your husband important enough to you? Because let me tell you that it is to God. And if God is first in your life, you'll honor him with your commitment to your husband. Also in 1 Cor 7, Paul speaks of our bodies being each other's in a marriage. He goes on to instruct us to only abstain for the sake of prayer and with a mutual decision being made about it. And only "for a time" since our flesh is weak and temptation can take over if we abstain too long. So if it's been more than a week since you've done the deed, chances are your man is chomping at the bit or releasing his tensions elsewhere in some other fashion. And then we get mad about it?? Hmmmm…that's unfair. And if he's scared to even ask for it, that's so unfortunate. Give him the green light! Let him savor you in all of your womanly beauty and goodness. God said you were GOOD! He meant it.
"The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame."
Only in 2 circumstances of your life are you unashamed to be naked (or should be) - early childhood and in marriage. This nakedness is a true sense of vulnerability. You are literally laid bare and exposed to the maximum extent. But the last part of that verse is often the most difficult and sometimes impossible for some people (women, mainly) to achieve: "…and they felt no shame." I would give great amounts of money (if I had it) if it would solve this problem for women. But it's a problem that stems from somewhere deep and has no real dependence on how someone looks naked. Women of all shapes, sizes & fitness levels can still struggle with this. Read an article from some supermodel and how she feels about herself. We may read that and think, "What is her problem? If I had her body…." And we begin to judge. But this insecurity and refusal to be vulnerable in nakedness is from Satan and how he's conditioned us to be ashamed of our naked bodies. Now I love all the ways we are trying to educate and encourage young girls and women to embrace their bodies. I don't think we need to show anyone exposed to get that across, really. I think that only leaves more room for judgment and criticism. If your body is less than perfect, you gotta find ways to like it or improve what is within your power. Our weakness only makes God's power look mightier. This area included. Let His power pour over your insecurity and wash it away. Trust me. Your hubby isn't taking notes on misplaced dimples, stretch marks from babies or puberty and any extra chub in different areas of your physique. And if he is, it's probably his "thing" in embracing exactly who his wife is naked. It's his body, as 1 Cor 7 also shares. As his is yours. And he definitely wants you to embrace his naked body! (Think candlelight. It's remarkably forgiving!)
1 Cor 7:3, "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband." Yes! I receive this command with joy. And persistence. I wouldn't say we're still in the Learning stage with this one on our path to awesome because we've been diligently working on this for almost 10 years. However, if you lose practice, you have to pick it back up and work at it again. All marriages go through fluxes and valleys where the sparkle factor really isn't there. But God is good and wants your marriage to be a joyful experience for you, as well as a telling example of how godly marriage IS the best way.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
First thing's first - know your man!
Yes, please know your man. If you aren't an expert, THE guru, on your husband, you are slacking in your vows and your role as his wife. This should sting if it's true. We all have times when we haven't been as diligent in putting him first only after God and need a shot in the arm to get back on track. This is part of the joy of being his wife! You alone know the intimate intricacies of your husband in all aspect's of your marriage. You should know what makes him tick from feeling affirmed (SUPER important for men) to sexual desire & preferences to his favorite meal. It's YOU who holds this power. And it's YOU who has promised to fulfill what he needs. Don't underestimate your power. And don't let the power go to your head and become leverage. That isn't godly and can be detrimental to the integrity of your marriage.
So what do men need? Lots and lots of good books on this. I haven't read them all. I have read His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Your Marriage by Willard F. Harley, Jr. This book helps to give you a love bank perspective while pairing it with realizing the top 5 needs of your man. Of course, the reverse is also true. So this book helps with both sides of this relationship. There's also Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, which gives a biblical perspective at the core of what God says we need from our spouses. Sounds simple enough, right? Women need to feel loved and men need to feel respected. However, in our highly feminist culture where women haven't need men for decades (supposedly), the perspective is skewed. And even some of us with the best intentions with being independent types have not allowed the Holy Spirit to really guide us in our treatment of our husbands.
Grab a book or your Kindle or whatever. Invest in some good education on the basics of men. Part of teaching sex ed was learning the differences about men & women sexually. Most I knew, but some I didn't. It was fascinating! Learning more about him should excite you in the possibilities for your marriage.
We know God made us differently for good reasons. We should try to adhere to what he made us to be. The 5 things I listed in my first post on Christian Women's Sexuality include what we are to be in the marriage relationship. Read through those. (I'll go grab a cookie & some chocolate milk while I wait…)
Okay. Get it? I'll dissect those more in depth in posts to come.
But your man. God gives SO much to our men. And it's not just the good stuff. Or should I say easy stuff. It's all GOOD. Or at least for our good. God made men with several innate differences that make him sexually opposite of us.
1. He's HIGHLY visual. This is why you'll oftentimes see very attractive women with average men. We don't respond the same to the physical attributes. This is also why men like to have sex with the lights on. They are wired to be stimulated with their eyes. That is typically where it begins after the brain initiates the start of arousal. He wants to see you…all of you…naked…and wanting him! Who cares if you have stretch marks or dimples on the back of you or your silky smooth skin, which he LOVES, isn't as tan as it used to be? Or who cares if your girls aren't as perky as before nursing your babies? They are HIS! This excites him and affirms him as your husband when you let him partake of your awesome female form that is solely his. Please don't underrate this. If he tells you you're hot, believe it and accept that. Don't poo poo on his complement. The fact that you choose to lay down next to him every night means something. Let him take you in visually.
2. He's got HIGH sensory acuity to touch. This goes both ways. He wants to touch you and you to touch him. One thing I realize for men is that we girls are sometimes too modest with our husbands during sex. I'm sorry, ladies. This is our one glimpse into what it was like for Adam & Eve in the Garden of Eden. To be comfortable with someone while both completely naked is something they experienced regularly before sin. Simmer on that thought. You can get a sample of what God had for us before sin. That's powerful! Now enjoy it. Be comfortable with being naked with your man and let each other enjoy what God has given you. Touching can be simple or complex. These are personal preferences that you should both know about each other!
3. Which leads me to the fact that your husband is NOT a mind reader. Most men don't have that intuition like we ladies do. Please don't let your husband persist in the same things over and over if it's not what you want. In his mind, if he doesn't know it's broken, he won't do anything to fix it. This goes for any part of your marriage. But so many women, because we're so ladylike (BOO), just grin and bear it. But what you're doing, essentially, is deceiving him and lying to him about his way of showing love to you. And yes, that's a BIG way men show love. Let him! And help him to get really good at showing it to YOU. This is where you have to be very candid and say words that may sound dirty in any other context. Please don't hold back. Be respectful in how you present it. But be crystal clear on what you'd like him to do for you. If you persist in allowing something that isn't working, you only grow in bitterness and resentment, which is completely unwarranted, and possibly damage your husband's masculinity once he finds out he's been subpar in the sack. That's the LAST place you want him to feel less than.
4. Men are insatiable, so it seems. Yes, they want it…a lot. But who cares? A respectful man won't paw at his wife to pester and guilt her into having sex. Or just tick her off in the process. What I want to say is that your husband should NEVER have to paw at you for sex. This is his #1 need from you. I mean, think about it. We take care of our kids' needs even when it's zero fun and the last thing you want to do, right? I'm not saying you should suck it up every time and bear it. I'm suggesting you change your thought process about sex and why it's vital to a healthy marriage and a blissfully happy husband. Once you can start thinking differently, it won't be such a chore when the times come that he wants it and you aren't quite up to it. Your mindset will be that this is your responsibility but also your pleasure to meet this need of his. I challenge you to make up your mind to never say no to your husband just because you're tired or not in the mood or he didn't vacuum like he said or whatever. (Obvious reasons for not having sex are understood. He really shouldn't ask if you're sick or just had a baby.) And for those who already stand by that should start to be proactive in taking care of your man. My sister got some wise advice from an older nurse she worked with back in NW AR. "Let me tell ya about taking care of your man. Every few days you'll start to notice he's a little grumpy or blue. That's when you take him to the bedroom and show him a good time. Then a few days later, the same will happen and you do your thing." She was so WISE! She actually insisted that my sister be AWARE of her husband's moods (just like we so often demand of our husbands with us) and act accordingly to assist in making it all better. One great bonus of all this is that when he's super satisfied sexually, you'll probably have a much more helpful spouse around the house. And he'll probably not be so turned off by the idea of watching the kids so you can have some alone time away from home. Try it. I dare you!
5. Men are sensitive. Yes, yes, yes, they are. It's just not the same as us. Their sexuality is their badge of masculinity. If they aren't rocking it, they aren't as confident in their manhood. I touched on this some above in #3. Please don't allow your husband to doubt his ability to be YOUR man and YOUR private pleasure toy. That boosts his spirits to a place we can't imagine. Plus, when his masculinity is damaged, he will find a place to mend it. And many times, it's not with you. Guard his sexuality and heart, ladies. They are precious.
There's probably so much more. Sex is really complicated. But over time in a healthy marriage, it should become a delicious side dish that is effortless and freeing. Where else can you be the bad girl you could never be in high school & college, right? Unleash your sexuality on your husband and his smile will never be bigger. I don't want to be tactless, but there's much to be said about bringing your A-game to the marriage bed. So much included in that. We'll unload it later!
So what do men need? Lots and lots of good books on this. I haven't read them all. I have read His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Your Marriage by Willard F. Harley, Jr. This book helps to give you a love bank perspective while pairing it with realizing the top 5 needs of your man. Of course, the reverse is also true. So this book helps with both sides of this relationship. There's also Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, which gives a biblical perspective at the core of what God says we need from our spouses. Sounds simple enough, right? Women need to feel loved and men need to feel respected. However, in our highly feminist culture where women haven't need men for decades (supposedly), the perspective is skewed. And even some of us with the best intentions with being independent types have not allowed the Holy Spirit to really guide us in our treatment of our husbands.
Grab a book or your Kindle or whatever. Invest in some good education on the basics of men. Part of teaching sex ed was learning the differences about men & women sexually. Most I knew, but some I didn't. It was fascinating! Learning more about him should excite you in the possibilities for your marriage.
We know God made us differently for good reasons. We should try to adhere to what he made us to be. The 5 things I listed in my first post on Christian Women's Sexuality include what we are to be in the marriage relationship. Read through those. (I'll go grab a cookie & some chocolate milk while I wait…)
Okay. Get it? I'll dissect those more in depth in posts to come.
But your man. God gives SO much to our men. And it's not just the good stuff. Or should I say easy stuff. It's all GOOD. Or at least for our good. God made men with several innate differences that make him sexually opposite of us.
1. He's HIGHLY visual. This is why you'll oftentimes see very attractive women with average men. We don't respond the same to the physical attributes. This is also why men like to have sex with the lights on. They are wired to be stimulated with their eyes. That is typically where it begins after the brain initiates the start of arousal. He wants to see you…all of you…naked…and wanting him! Who cares if you have stretch marks or dimples on the back of you or your silky smooth skin, which he LOVES, isn't as tan as it used to be? Or who cares if your girls aren't as perky as before nursing your babies? They are HIS! This excites him and affirms him as your husband when you let him partake of your awesome female form that is solely his. Please don't underrate this. If he tells you you're hot, believe it and accept that. Don't poo poo on his complement. The fact that you choose to lay down next to him every night means something. Let him take you in visually.
2. He's got HIGH sensory acuity to touch. This goes both ways. He wants to touch you and you to touch him. One thing I realize for men is that we girls are sometimes too modest with our husbands during sex. I'm sorry, ladies. This is our one glimpse into what it was like for Adam & Eve in the Garden of Eden. To be comfortable with someone while both completely naked is something they experienced regularly before sin. Simmer on that thought. You can get a sample of what God had for us before sin. That's powerful! Now enjoy it. Be comfortable with being naked with your man and let each other enjoy what God has given you. Touching can be simple or complex. These are personal preferences that you should both know about each other!
3. Which leads me to the fact that your husband is NOT a mind reader. Most men don't have that intuition like we ladies do. Please don't let your husband persist in the same things over and over if it's not what you want. In his mind, if he doesn't know it's broken, he won't do anything to fix it. This goes for any part of your marriage. But so many women, because we're so ladylike (BOO), just grin and bear it. But what you're doing, essentially, is deceiving him and lying to him about his way of showing love to you. And yes, that's a BIG way men show love. Let him! And help him to get really good at showing it to YOU. This is where you have to be very candid and say words that may sound dirty in any other context. Please don't hold back. Be respectful in how you present it. But be crystal clear on what you'd like him to do for you. If you persist in allowing something that isn't working, you only grow in bitterness and resentment, which is completely unwarranted, and possibly damage your husband's masculinity once he finds out he's been subpar in the sack. That's the LAST place you want him to feel less than.
4. Men are insatiable, so it seems. Yes, they want it…a lot. But who cares? A respectful man won't paw at his wife to pester and guilt her into having sex. Or just tick her off in the process. What I want to say is that your husband should NEVER have to paw at you for sex. This is his #1 need from you. I mean, think about it. We take care of our kids' needs even when it's zero fun and the last thing you want to do, right? I'm not saying you should suck it up every time and bear it. I'm suggesting you change your thought process about sex and why it's vital to a healthy marriage and a blissfully happy husband. Once you can start thinking differently, it won't be such a chore when the times come that he wants it and you aren't quite up to it. Your mindset will be that this is your responsibility but also your pleasure to meet this need of his. I challenge you to make up your mind to never say no to your husband just because you're tired or not in the mood or he didn't vacuum like he said or whatever. (Obvious reasons for not having sex are understood. He really shouldn't ask if you're sick or just had a baby.) And for those who already stand by that should start to be proactive in taking care of your man. My sister got some wise advice from an older nurse she worked with back in NW AR. "Let me tell ya about taking care of your man. Every few days you'll start to notice he's a little grumpy or blue. That's when you take him to the bedroom and show him a good time. Then a few days later, the same will happen and you do your thing." She was so WISE! She actually insisted that my sister be AWARE of her husband's moods (just like we so often demand of our husbands with us) and act accordingly to assist in making it all better. One great bonus of all this is that when he's super satisfied sexually, you'll probably have a much more helpful spouse around the house. And he'll probably not be so turned off by the idea of watching the kids so you can have some alone time away from home. Try it. I dare you!
5. Men are sensitive. Yes, yes, yes, they are. It's just not the same as us. Their sexuality is their badge of masculinity. If they aren't rocking it, they aren't as confident in their manhood. I touched on this some above in #3. Please don't allow your husband to doubt his ability to be YOUR man and YOUR private pleasure toy. That boosts his spirits to a place we can't imagine. Plus, when his masculinity is damaged, he will find a place to mend it. And many times, it's not with you. Guard his sexuality and heart, ladies. They are precious.
There's probably so much more. Sex is really complicated. But over time in a healthy marriage, it should become a delicious side dish that is effortless and freeing. Where else can you be the bad girl you could never be in high school & college, right? Unleash your sexuality on your husband and his smile will never be bigger. I don't want to be tactless, but there's much to be said about bringing your A-game to the marriage bed. So much included in that. We'll unload it later!
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Sex Begins In the Brain
Yes, it does. Sex starts in the brain. Your perception of sex will color every other aspect of sex no matter how good your lover is. This is tough and difficult to discuss for some women, not to mention tough and difficult to overcome negative perceptions of sex. So let me say this before I begin the rest of my thoughts:
- If you have ever had a traumatic sexual experience, you will need to find help through this or else you may never reach a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship with your spouse.
- If you had an influence in your childhood who portrayed sex as negative in any way, you will have to figure out how to reprogram your brain to think of sex as good, a gift from God, for you & your spouse.
- If you do not enjoy sex physically, you could be one of the unfortunate few whose body doesn't respond to sexual stimulation. Please talk to your doctor and make sure your husband is aware so that you are not deceiving him "for his sake".
Please don't read into anything about my being insensitive if you are in one of the groups above. With that on the table, I can begin.
Your sexuality has been developing ever since you started becoming aware of things like the differences in men & women, the interaction of those who were romantically involved (namely, your parents), pregnant women, and so forth. Then your exposure widened into relationships on TV, possible dating of your own as a teen, and unfortunate scenes in movies. If you had a strong father or father figure who expressed healthy affection towards you, you are probably the best off! My dad would constantly tell my sister & me how beautiful we were even if we had just rolled out of bed in our night shirts with hair disheveled and morning breath raging. He hugged us, gave us kisses and affirmed us constantly as lovely young women. That is POWERFUL. Even during my homely days as a tween & young teen I never really had any complexes about my looks or weight. If you've seen those pictures, you know how big of a deal that is! I was morphing through puberty…
If you did not have that kind of influence, then you relied more on books, stories from others, seeing friends' dads love them genuinely, or went without. I'm really, really sorry for that. And this is a huge reason why dads are SO important to our children! They help both boys & girls develop their sexuality in a healthy way when shown what a real man is like. We moms are also quite important, but that's understood. Most families are falling apart not because mom left. Unfortunate but true.
But even if you were not privileged to be guided by a great dad, you can restore your mindset on sex. Most books on changing your thought patterns suggest that your mind needs to have something to chew on. So if you take a negative thought away, it must be replaced with a positive one. So start there. Make a list even. Take that list, decide it's Satan's way of tainting this God-given gift of sex, and burn it! Then make a new list with as many items as the previous. Hang it on your mirror, put it in your journal, tape it to the dashboard or visor in your car, or post it on the fridge! Ladies, it must be present in your day to day in order to reset your mind. Otherwise, those negative thoughts you supposedly burned will resurrect from the ashes and make their way back to your subconscious. DO NOT DEFEAT YOURSELF BEFORE YOU EVEN START! If sex is something you want more of, better of in your life, then please hear me out and find a way to bombard your brain with the good thoughts on sex.
Maybe your list looks like this:
Negative
1. He always wants it.
2. It just feels dirty.
3. I don't feel comfortable.
4. I still don't know why he wants "that" all the time.
5. I'm so tired.
6. I can't forgive myself for _____________.
7. I can't forgive him for ___________.
8. He STILL hasn't helped me with any of the housework.
9. I don't know if he even likes to see me naked.
10. He always wants the lights on!
Sound familiar? Now burn it (yes, burn it!) and make a new list on a fresh, clean sheet of pretty paper. 1-10
Positive
1. He is always really excited when I tell him yes.
2. He is absolutely lovey dovey the entire next day!
3. He seems to listen so much better the next few days afterward.
4. I feel sexier with candlelight.
5. When I do feel up to it, it is really fun!
6. I feel more comfortable when the kids aren't home.
7. He does always remember our anniversary/my birthday.
8. It is kind of fun when we have pillow talk.
9. He does give really great shoulder/foot massages.
10. He is good about having music play.
These may seem silly to you. But when we think about sex with our mates, it's hard not to be a little teenager feeling and giddy, right? That's GOOD! You don't want that to go away. Flirtatious behavior is a GREAT type of foreplay and keeps you longing for each other.
Now that you've made your list, post it high & low & all over to stay in your brain regularly throughout the day. Maybe you'll add on. But be sure to let that list wash over your thoughts incessantly. And take some time to pray over your list and ask God to help you develop that sense of longing and sensuality for your man, not to mention to truly erase the negative thoughts. Maybe it needs to be part of your quiet time in the mornings or before bed. Remember God wants you to have healthy sex life! You are fulfilling his plan for marriage and sustaining the bond that no one should ever sever.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. Whew! I'll be back for more later. This is THE perfect time of year to get your sex life on track because it's typically cold outside. Who wants to stay warm???
Happy Thanksgiving!
- If you have ever had a traumatic sexual experience, you will need to find help through this or else you may never reach a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship with your spouse.
- If you had an influence in your childhood who portrayed sex as negative in any way, you will have to figure out how to reprogram your brain to think of sex as good, a gift from God, for you & your spouse.
- If you do not enjoy sex physically, you could be one of the unfortunate few whose body doesn't respond to sexual stimulation. Please talk to your doctor and make sure your husband is aware so that you are not deceiving him "for his sake".
Please don't read into anything about my being insensitive if you are in one of the groups above. With that on the table, I can begin.
Your sexuality has been developing ever since you started becoming aware of things like the differences in men & women, the interaction of those who were romantically involved (namely, your parents), pregnant women, and so forth. Then your exposure widened into relationships on TV, possible dating of your own as a teen, and unfortunate scenes in movies. If you had a strong father or father figure who expressed healthy affection towards you, you are probably the best off! My dad would constantly tell my sister & me how beautiful we were even if we had just rolled out of bed in our night shirts with hair disheveled and morning breath raging. He hugged us, gave us kisses and affirmed us constantly as lovely young women. That is POWERFUL. Even during my homely days as a tween & young teen I never really had any complexes about my looks or weight. If you've seen those pictures, you know how big of a deal that is! I was morphing through puberty…
If you did not have that kind of influence, then you relied more on books, stories from others, seeing friends' dads love them genuinely, or went without. I'm really, really sorry for that. And this is a huge reason why dads are SO important to our children! They help both boys & girls develop their sexuality in a healthy way when shown what a real man is like. We moms are also quite important, but that's understood. Most families are falling apart not because mom left. Unfortunate but true.
But even if you were not privileged to be guided by a great dad, you can restore your mindset on sex. Most books on changing your thought patterns suggest that your mind needs to have something to chew on. So if you take a negative thought away, it must be replaced with a positive one. So start there. Make a list even. Take that list, decide it's Satan's way of tainting this God-given gift of sex, and burn it! Then make a new list with as many items as the previous. Hang it on your mirror, put it in your journal, tape it to the dashboard or visor in your car, or post it on the fridge! Ladies, it must be present in your day to day in order to reset your mind. Otherwise, those negative thoughts you supposedly burned will resurrect from the ashes and make their way back to your subconscious. DO NOT DEFEAT YOURSELF BEFORE YOU EVEN START! If sex is something you want more of, better of in your life, then please hear me out and find a way to bombard your brain with the good thoughts on sex.
Maybe your list looks like this:
Negative
1. He always wants it.
2. It just feels dirty.
3. I don't feel comfortable.
4. I still don't know why he wants "that" all the time.
5. I'm so tired.
6. I can't forgive myself for _____________.
7. I can't forgive him for ___________.
8. He STILL hasn't helped me with any of the housework.
9. I don't know if he even likes to see me naked.
10. He always wants the lights on!
Sound familiar? Now burn it (yes, burn it!) and make a new list on a fresh, clean sheet of pretty paper. 1-10
Positive
1. He is always really excited when I tell him yes.
2. He is absolutely lovey dovey the entire next day!
3. He seems to listen so much better the next few days afterward.
4. I feel sexier with candlelight.
5. When I do feel up to it, it is really fun!
6. I feel more comfortable when the kids aren't home.
7. He does always remember our anniversary/my birthday.
8. It is kind of fun when we have pillow talk.
9. He does give really great shoulder/foot massages.
10. He is good about having music play.
These may seem silly to you. But when we think about sex with our mates, it's hard not to be a little teenager feeling and giddy, right? That's GOOD! You don't want that to go away. Flirtatious behavior is a GREAT type of foreplay and keeps you longing for each other.
Now that you've made your list, post it high & low & all over to stay in your brain regularly throughout the day. Maybe you'll add on. But be sure to let that list wash over your thoughts incessantly. And take some time to pray over your list and ask God to help you develop that sense of longing and sensuality for your man, not to mention to truly erase the negative thoughts. Maybe it needs to be part of your quiet time in the mornings or before bed. Remember God wants you to have healthy sex life! You are fulfilling his plan for marriage and sustaining the bond that no one should ever sever.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. Whew! I'll be back for more later. This is THE perfect time of year to get your sex life on track because it's typically cold outside. Who wants to stay warm???
Happy Thanksgiving!
Monday, November 25, 2013
Christian Women & Their Sexuality: Part 1
I've decided to dust off my blog and get back into sharing some things that may be helpful or insightful for some. I have many things that weigh on my heart regularly, but I only have expertise on some things. And, as most of you know, I have expertise on SEX! So here's where I begin. Exciting, right? This is mainly a line of posts mainly for Christian women and what God has to say about our sexuality and how to apply it in our marriages and/or lives. And there's more to sexuality than just the physical manifestation. This is going to be fun! So make sure you say a prayer before you start reading these and find your Bible when necessary. God has some great things for us to know about who were are as sexual beings.
Firstly, for us Christian wives out there, did you know there was a study done in the recent past that showed that the most sexually satisfied group of people in the US were married Christian women??? Really? Yes! (See: This guy's blog) I think the stereotype for this group would be quite the opposite. However, this goes to show that sex and sexual satisfaction isn't all in the endorphins and Oxytocin rush. Sex begins in a place most unbelieving people think unnecessary when acting sexually - the brain. Sex is not just a basic instinct as some Hollywood types would suggest. Sex is not just a reaction to a stimulation either. Of course, it can be, but that is taking only a sliver of what sex really is and tossing out the rest of the fulfilling genius God put behind the physical act. Sex was designed by God to be a way of connecting on the most intimate levels for humans. One way to show this and prove that human copulation isn't just physical is that humans are the only created beings on the planet who can enjoy sex face to face, eye to eye, body to body. (We can discuss the creative alternatives to this another time. That's not the point.) Another way to show that human sex is different from animal sex is that both the male and female human can experience pleasure in the sexual act. For female animals, this isn't so. It's strictly an act to promote procreation to continue the family line. And it's anything but enjoyable for her. Plus, choosing a mate is based solely on how physically superior he is to produce similar offspring. As humans, we have found that having connections beyond the physical before the physical creates a better level of intimacy.
So beginning in the brain, ladies, let's take a look into how we should be thinking about sex for our husbands before ever acting on it.
Your thoughts about sex have been shaped since you were a little kid. And depending on the types of influences you had as a child your views of sex had/have developed. This is where it can get tricky and can take some serious Holy Spirit work to get you on the same page as God (and your man!) when it comes to fulfilling your marriage vows and pleasing your man.
*Just a side note, we'll only be scratching the surface today and then break these down as we go. I do have 2 boys to wrangle in the process! Time is precious.
1. God decided that we LEAVE & CLEAVE to one another when we get married. This means a lot; mainly, you are now a wife before being a daughter (or friend or sister or employee). Did everybody read that? It means your priority changes to having your husband 2nd ONLY to God and your relationship with Him. So the process begins of training yourself to be a wife. Many times easier said than done. It means your honey is now your #1 advocate and co-problem solver and recreational companion and so on. If you have a lot on your mind, it should probably be shared with him...FIRST. This one sometimes means taking a blazing hot machete to the apron strings or whatever other binding you have that is misplaced before him.
2. God designed us to be his helpmate. Now this old-fashioned word can mean many things to many people. Here's the actual definition: a companion and helper, a spouse. We HELP our husbands in so many ways. We are really good at helping! And most of us find great joy and satisfaction in helping others. Unfortunately, because of certain cultural pressures and influences, we sometimes help everyone else before our husband. Not healthy. And this doesn't mean that he needs your constant attention. If you married well, he's a big boy and can handle himself. But there is a special list of needs that is reserved solely for YOU to meet. And trust me, he will be grateful you HELPED him!
3. God designed us to submit to his authority. Uh, oh. She said it! She just went all 1950s on us! No, I didn't. I went all biblical and godly on you. Sometimes we let culture and popular beliefs interfere with our faith and skew principles that are timeless and trustworthy. This being one. Please realize that most people read that at first glance defensively thinking, "I don't need a man to submit to. I'm plenty competent to take care of myself." Yes, you are…most of you. :-) However, when you decide to submit to God's authority and then to the vow of marriage, you have bound yourself to relinquish all that sass and necessary self-reliance to the health and wellness of your marriage. Not that it disappears. If you know me, you realize that ain't ever happening! But it means that I know where my allegiance lies. I trust that God has put in place a perfect harmony of companionship between Monte and me. We have an incredible friendship within our marriage, and his job is to protect our marriage and family by leading and guiding us. Who am I to take away his masculinity and his God-given job?? Anyone want to question God's wisdom? Have fun with that. If you can't trust your husband, then question from where that symptom is derived. Is it an intimacy problem? Has he broken your trust? Do you need some counseling? Did you marry for the wrong reasons? Whatever it is God is powerful enough to work through it and make it a beautiful redemption story if both of you are willing.
4. God designed us to enjoy each other sexually. Yes. The icing on the cake of marriage! If this doesn't make you smile, then please keep reading this blog! Sex can be the pinnacle of awesomeness of physical relationships. Please don't miss out. And I'm not just talking about the pleasure. Part of why I want to talk about this so much is because I truly believe there is not enough sex happening in Christian marriages (or marriages period). It's like super glue for your vows. A healthy sex life is the litmus test for the health of your marriage. Obviously, circumstances like health, age, etc. can impede/limit sex in a relationship. But those are going to be implied in my discussion.
5. God designed us to be married our entire lives. So much on this one. We'll break this down much more later.
And with that, I leave you with well wishes and hopes for your return as we tackle this complicated subject. My hope is that you find ways to express your feelings to your husband and to God about sex in marriage and how it will significantly increase the joy in your life as a result.
Firstly, for us Christian wives out there, did you know there was a study done in the recent past that showed that the most sexually satisfied group of people in the US were married Christian women??? Really? Yes! (See: This guy's blog) I think the stereotype for this group would be quite the opposite. However, this goes to show that sex and sexual satisfaction isn't all in the endorphins and Oxytocin rush. Sex begins in a place most unbelieving people think unnecessary when acting sexually - the brain. Sex is not just a basic instinct as some Hollywood types would suggest. Sex is not just a reaction to a stimulation either. Of course, it can be, but that is taking only a sliver of what sex really is and tossing out the rest of the fulfilling genius God put behind the physical act. Sex was designed by God to be a way of connecting on the most intimate levels for humans. One way to show this and prove that human copulation isn't just physical is that humans are the only created beings on the planet who can enjoy sex face to face, eye to eye, body to body. (We can discuss the creative alternatives to this another time. That's not the point.) Another way to show that human sex is different from animal sex is that both the male and female human can experience pleasure in the sexual act. For female animals, this isn't so. It's strictly an act to promote procreation to continue the family line. And it's anything but enjoyable for her. Plus, choosing a mate is based solely on how physically superior he is to produce similar offspring. As humans, we have found that having connections beyond the physical before the physical creates a better level of intimacy.
So beginning in the brain, ladies, let's take a look into how we should be thinking about sex for our husbands before ever acting on it.
Your thoughts about sex have been shaped since you were a little kid. And depending on the types of influences you had as a child your views of sex had/have developed. This is where it can get tricky and can take some serious Holy Spirit work to get you on the same page as God (and your man!) when it comes to fulfilling your marriage vows and pleasing your man.
*Just a side note, we'll only be scratching the surface today and then break these down as we go. I do have 2 boys to wrangle in the process! Time is precious.
1. God decided that we LEAVE & CLEAVE to one another when we get married. This means a lot; mainly, you are now a wife before being a daughter (or friend or sister or employee). Did everybody read that? It means your priority changes to having your husband 2nd ONLY to God and your relationship with Him. So the process begins of training yourself to be a wife. Many times easier said than done. It means your honey is now your #1 advocate and co-problem solver and recreational companion and so on. If you have a lot on your mind, it should probably be shared with him...FIRST. This one sometimes means taking a blazing hot machete to the apron strings or whatever other binding you have that is misplaced before him.
2. God designed us to be his helpmate. Now this old-fashioned word can mean many things to many people. Here's the actual definition: a companion and helper, a spouse. We HELP our husbands in so many ways. We are really good at helping! And most of us find great joy and satisfaction in helping others. Unfortunately, because of certain cultural pressures and influences, we sometimes help everyone else before our husband. Not healthy. And this doesn't mean that he needs your constant attention. If you married well, he's a big boy and can handle himself. But there is a special list of needs that is reserved solely for YOU to meet. And trust me, he will be grateful you HELPED him!
3. God designed us to submit to his authority. Uh, oh. She said it! She just went all 1950s on us! No, I didn't. I went all biblical and godly on you. Sometimes we let culture and popular beliefs interfere with our faith and skew principles that are timeless and trustworthy. This being one. Please realize that most people read that at first glance defensively thinking, "I don't need a man to submit to. I'm plenty competent to take care of myself." Yes, you are…most of you. :-) However, when you decide to submit to God's authority and then to the vow of marriage, you have bound yourself to relinquish all that sass and necessary self-reliance to the health and wellness of your marriage. Not that it disappears. If you know me, you realize that ain't ever happening! But it means that I know where my allegiance lies. I trust that God has put in place a perfect harmony of companionship between Monte and me. We have an incredible friendship within our marriage, and his job is to protect our marriage and family by leading and guiding us. Who am I to take away his masculinity and his God-given job?? Anyone want to question God's wisdom? Have fun with that. If you can't trust your husband, then question from where that symptom is derived. Is it an intimacy problem? Has he broken your trust? Do you need some counseling? Did you marry for the wrong reasons? Whatever it is God is powerful enough to work through it and make it a beautiful redemption story if both of you are willing.
4. God designed us to enjoy each other sexually. Yes. The icing on the cake of marriage! If this doesn't make you smile, then please keep reading this blog! Sex can be the pinnacle of awesomeness of physical relationships. Please don't miss out. And I'm not just talking about the pleasure. Part of why I want to talk about this so much is because I truly believe there is not enough sex happening in Christian marriages (or marriages period). It's like super glue for your vows. A healthy sex life is the litmus test for the health of your marriage. Obviously, circumstances like health, age, etc. can impede/limit sex in a relationship. But those are going to be implied in my discussion.
5. God designed us to be married our entire lives. So much on this one. We'll break this down much more later.
And with that, I leave you with well wishes and hopes for your return as we tackle this complicated subject. My hope is that you find ways to express your feelings to your husband and to God about sex in marriage and how it will significantly increase the joy in your life as a result.
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