Aanna's Blog
This is from a friend of mine who was previously in my Mom's Connection table group. She's a gifted writer and quite intellectually astute. I read this and feel it fits perfectly with things I've been writing about. With Valentine's Day coming up, it's quite fitting. And it's icing on the cake that they named their daughter Valentine!
So after reading Aanna's blog, ponder how you feel about your spouse. Chew on that and be honest about it. List some behaviors you have towards your husband on a regular basis. Do they consist of these?
- Nagging
- Criticism
- Cold shoulder/silent treatment
Or these?
- Affection
- Affirmation
- Encouragement
Ahhhhh…….it stings sometimes to be brutally honest with yourself. I've found that one of the hardest things to do in life can be self-evaluation. Either we are way too easy on ourselves or quite harsh. It's rare to find a happy medium in this arena. But I was here several years ago in our marriage, trying to better my wifely interaction with Monte. I am hyper critical by nature. It's a gift and a curse. But when it comes to my husband, being critical is not the best way to be. So began the journey to start praying instead of criticizing. And it's HIGHLY effective! I recommend this route over any other. I prayed for him and for me. The Holy Spirit has not disappointed. I know that we aren't immune 100% against marital woes, but we are highly armed by the Almighty when trouble comes.
Think about the many faces of you your husband receives throughout the day. Are they pleasant? inviting? affirming? loving? trusting? Will your husband come home to your warm embrace or your list of demands? Will he get to snuggle with his favorite feminine form or get the sweat pants treatment?
If you were me, you would regularly remind him as to why he married you and was so eager to have you. Just saying. Make it a great Valentine's Day!!!!!
Friday, January 24, 2014
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Christian Women & Their Sexuality: Enjoying Each Other Sexually
Don't worry. This isn't R rated, but I wouldn't say it's for young eyes either. Some young people can romanticize what I write and somehow justify it in their adolescent, immature brains to be the same in their relationships. Wrong. So please don't allow this to be read solo by teens or unmarried young adults. If you want your teen or young adult to read it, please sit with him/her and help him/her unload and unpack what this all means and its proper place in marriage.
God designed us to enjoy each other sexually. Did you catch the bold, italicized words? Yes, enjoy sexually. Yay! You should be doing your happy dance right now. Even if you have a difficult time with being sexually satisfied due to physiological issues, this should still be an exciting and sacred part of your marriage where you and your partner can engage each other in an extremely intimate and personal way. Plus, you alone are responsible for his sexual enjoyment. Be THE expert on this! The connection you have should be yours alone. No one else is welcome to take part in your marriage bed, right? Whether physically or in conversation. It should not be a point of discussion in a detailed sense and NEVER to demean or criticize your husband. This is a big no-no. I can't even emphasize that enough.
In the event you are having issues sexually, you may need to talk to somebody. And you know who that somebody is??? Your husband. Say what??? Are you crazy? Yes, but in a productive, sensible way. It may go against you natural tendency; however, it's the only way to reach a place of great contentment and ecstasy in your sexual realm of marriage. I hear women complain about sex, especially as newlyweds. I got sick of hearing it and finally started telling these ladies that the only people who should know about this and hear about it is their husbands. Those men are the ONLY ones who can fix the problems. Having that level of security with you is one way he shows he trusts you. Would you be okay with him disclosing intimate details about you to his friends? Absolutely not and that would be shameful and shallow of him. How is this any different? So if you have an issue, talk about it with your man. If you guys still can't figure things out, then find someone who is licensed and specially trained to handle sex in marriage.
Now we can venture onto the world of sexual fulfillment. Buckle up!
For you newlyweds or young marrieds:
Take heart. Sex is probably a new adventure for you both or at least together. The typical mastery of anything is 10,000 hours of practice/repetition. With the average sexual encounter lasting 3-11 minutes, do you think you'll get there in a month or two? Doubtful. And men, that's no slam to you. It's just truth. This area of our marriages is a divine place to grow with each other and become closer with each union. So with this in mind be realistic about how sex will be and allow yourself & your spouse some grace in becoming better for each other. The fantasy sex that you see on TV or movies probably won't ever be what you discover because it's not realistic or practical, but you WILL find great sexual fulfillment & enjoyment the longer you are married. This adventure to great sex is a journey. Enjoy it!
For you couples who have been married longer than a couple of years:
This encompasses a wide range of ages and experiences, which means it can't be cookie cutter. But there are benchmarks that should be happening in your marriage sexually for most all couples after being together more than 2 or so years:
1. Your frequency may have decreased, but the quality is increasing.
2. Your sexual realm of what is involved is broader and more creative.
3. You can tell when your partner is having issues either with sex or in another area of your relationship.
4. Your inhibitions are slowly deteriorating. It should progress more/faster the longer you are married.
5. Sexual climax will/should become a normal experience for everyone. If not, you may have physiological issues that your doc can address. At the very least, you know that you can reach sexual climax consistently if given the proper circumstances.
6. You will be more open and communicate more clearly about your sexual desires and likes & dislikes.
7. You'll eventually reach 10,000 hours!!!!!! Graduate of sex mastery. Congrats.
No matter what your sex life is like now, you can make it better if you are both willing to persist. The central theme of your sex life needs to be FUN or ENJOYMENT. When you think of things that are fun or that you enjoy, it should start to get the creative juices flowing and open a new chapter into the realm of sex for you both.
If you aren't quite ready to have a sit down over coffee with your spouse, grab a good book on sex. Take notes or highlight and find out how you want to broach the topic.
A note for men:
Give your girl some time & space to get to where she needs to be. It should not take her forever, but it will probably take her a little longer than you. Or maybe a lot. :-) I remember my mother-in-law once saying, "Men are like microwaves, and women are like crockpots." That is typical. Don't expect your woman to be on the same page since you're raring with testosterone. And be advised that your job in the sack is much more about thoughtfulness outside of the sack. Get your "choreplay" on and make it impossible for her not to be uber grateful (wink, wink). Another tidbit - since women's bodies are vastly different in how they react sexually, you need to be learning how she works. There are great books on sexual plateau and what that means for you and her. It's like being a master play producer where everyone & everything has to be at the right place at the right time. This needs to be your art. Study her.
A note for women:
Alright, sister. If you are stalling, you need to quit. Straight up. Sex is crucial to your man's health & sanity. Don't be the reason he doesn't enjoy being married. You should be the prized jewel in the marriage that is his. Enjoy & be enjoyed. I'd like to strongly encourage you to remember that your husband does NOT think like you. There is no leg shaving requirement for sex. There is no necessary amount of sleep before or after sex. There is a tunnel with his eyes fixed on you when it comes to sex. Start practicing that tunnel with your eyes fixed only on him. Why not enjoy 20-30 minutes of time not spent worrying about laundry, dishes, grocery lists, and packing lunches? If your dress shirt for work is a tad wrinkled the next day because you had sex instead of ironing, so be it. You left your man in good order. Way more important. When we ladies insist on the stars aligning and the world to spin at just the right axis in order to have sex, we rob ourselves of joy; not just joy for our husbands, but also joy for ourselves. You know how good it feels to have done something well. You have the opportunity to have that accomplished feeling 2-3 times each week! And please, don't take offense to your husband rolling over and falling asleep when you're done. It just means you did your job well! Savor your victory. Then go read your book or paint your toenails or finish the ironing.
If you can't tell, I'm ALL for healthy marriages sexually. If your marriage isn't healthy enough to where you can fully engage sexually, start there and work forward to that point. If it's a situation where it's easier said than done, then start praying and employ others you trust to pray with you. God loves to hear us, especially when it's to get better at honoring Him with our lives & marriages. And if it never comes to pass, just know that God has given us a place to enjoy that outdoes sex by a long shot! You will have a great fulfillment someday. He is the ultimate satisfaction for our souls.
God designed us to enjoy each other sexually. Did you catch the bold, italicized words? Yes, enjoy sexually. Yay! You should be doing your happy dance right now. Even if you have a difficult time with being sexually satisfied due to physiological issues, this should still be an exciting and sacred part of your marriage where you and your partner can engage each other in an extremely intimate and personal way. Plus, you alone are responsible for his sexual enjoyment. Be THE expert on this! The connection you have should be yours alone. No one else is welcome to take part in your marriage bed, right? Whether physically or in conversation. It should not be a point of discussion in a detailed sense and NEVER to demean or criticize your husband. This is a big no-no. I can't even emphasize that enough.
In the event you are having issues sexually, you may need to talk to somebody. And you know who that somebody is??? Your husband. Say what??? Are you crazy? Yes, but in a productive, sensible way. It may go against you natural tendency; however, it's the only way to reach a place of great contentment and ecstasy in your sexual realm of marriage. I hear women complain about sex, especially as newlyweds. I got sick of hearing it and finally started telling these ladies that the only people who should know about this and hear about it is their husbands. Those men are the ONLY ones who can fix the problems. Having that level of security with you is one way he shows he trusts you. Would you be okay with him disclosing intimate details about you to his friends? Absolutely not and that would be shameful and shallow of him. How is this any different? So if you have an issue, talk about it with your man. If you guys still can't figure things out, then find someone who is licensed and specially trained to handle sex in marriage.
Now we can venture onto the world of sexual fulfillment. Buckle up!
For you newlyweds or young marrieds:
Take heart. Sex is probably a new adventure for you both or at least together. The typical mastery of anything is 10,000 hours of practice/repetition. With the average sexual encounter lasting 3-11 minutes, do you think you'll get there in a month or two? Doubtful. And men, that's no slam to you. It's just truth. This area of our marriages is a divine place to grow with each other and become closer with each union. So with this in mind be realistic about how sex will be and allow yourself & your spouse some grace in becoming better for each other. The fantasy sex that you see on TV or movies probably won't ever be what you discover because it's not realistic or practical, but you WILL find great sexual fulfillment & enjoyment the longer you are married. This adventure to great sex is a journey. Enjoy it!
For you couples who have been married longer than a couple of years:
This encompasses a wide range of ages and experiences, which means it can't be cookie cutter. But there are benchmarks that should be happening in your marriage sexually for most all couples after being together more than 2 or so years:
1. Your frequency may have decreased, but the quality is increasing.
2. Your sexual realm of what is involved is broader and more creative.
3. You can tell when your partner is having issues either with sex or in another area of your relationship.
4. Your inhibitions are slowly deteriorating. It should progress more/faster the longer you are married.
5. Sexual climax will/should become a normal experience for everyone. If not, you may have physiological issues that your doc can address. At the very least, you know that you can reach sexual climax consistently if given the proper circumstances.
6. You will be more open and communicate more clearly about your sexual desires and likes & dislikes.
7. You'll eventually reach 10,000 hours!!!!!! Graduate of sex mastery. Congrats.
No matter what your sex life is like now, you can make it better if you are both willing to persist. The central theme of your sex life needs to be FUN or ENJOYMENT. When you think of things that are fun or that you enjoy, it should start to get the creative juices flowing and open a new chapter into the realm of sex for you both.
If you aren't quite ready to have a sit down over coffee with your spouse, grab a good book on sex. Take notes or highlight and find out how you want to broach the topic.
A note for men:
Give your girl some time & space to get to where she needs to be. It should not take her forever, but it will probably take her a little longer than you. Or maybe a lot. :-) I remember my mother-in-law once saying, "Men are like microwaves, and women are like crockpots." That is typical. Don't expect your woman to be on the same page since you're raring with testosterone. And be advised that your job in the sack is much more about thoughtfulness outside of the sack. Get your "choreplay" on and make it impossible for her not to be uber grateful (wink, wink). Another tidbit - since women's bodies are vastly different in how they react sexually, you need to be learning how she works. There are great books on sexual plateau and what that means for you and her. It's like being a master play producer where everyone & everything has to be at the right place at the right time. This needs to be your art. Study her.
A note for women:
Alright, sister. If you are stalling, you need to quit. Straight up. Sex is crucial to your man's health & sanity. Don't be the reason he doesn't enjoy being married. You should be the prized jewel in the marriage that is his. Enjoy & be enjoyed. I'd like to strongly encourage you to remember that your husband does NOT think like you. There is no leg shaving requirement for sex. There is no necessary amount of sleep before or after sex. There is a tunnel with his eyes fixed on you when it comes to sex. Start practicing that tunnel with your eyes fixed only on him. Why not enjoy 20-30 minutes of time not spent worrying about laundry, dishes, grocery lists, and packing lunches? If your dress shirt for work is a tad wrinkled the next day because you had sex instead of ironing, so be it. You left your man in good order. Way more important. When we ladies insist on the stars aligning and the world to spin at just the right axis in order to have sex, we rob ourselves of joy; not just joy for our husbands, but also joy for ourselves. You know how good it feels to have done something well. You have the opportunity to have that accomplished feeling 2-3 times each week! And please, don't take offense to your husband rolling over and falling asleep when you're done. It just means you did your job well! Savor your victory. Then go read your book or paint your toenails or finish the ironing.
If you can't tell, I'm ALL for healthy marriages sexually. If your marriage isn't healthy enough to where you can fully engage sexually, start there and work forward to that point. If it's a situation where it's easier said than done, then start praying and employ others you trust to pray with you. God loves to hear us, especially when it's to get better at honoring Him with our lives & marriages. And if it never comes to pass, just know that God has given us a place to enjoy that outdoes sex by a long shot! You will have a great fulfillment someday. He is the ultimate satisfaction for our souls.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Christian Women & Their Sexuality: Submitting to God's Authority (And Your Man's!)
God designed us to submit to his authority. Yep. This 1950s concept dates far back to long before this quaint decade in American history. It's not even an American ideal. Dig deeper and see that it's reflected at the beginning of time and then much, much later in God's timeline.
God created this heavenly place on earth called the Garden of Eden and designed it perfectly. How can God do anything other than perfect, right? He's God! In this sacred, lovely, utopian place He formed man. He saw it was not good for man to be alone and proceeded to craft the magnificent form of a woman made from Adam's rib. Adam saw her and agreed with God that she was GOOD! Notice Eve didn't return the sentiment… :-) Kidding, boys. Kidding. But let's face it; women are God's masterpiece to the human eye in comparison. I think most men will agree with me.
So this gorgeous being is here for who? Ah, yes. FOR ADAM. It's not that God said woman would be worthless without him. God didn't deem her life less important because of the parts and role He gave her. No. He saw the perfect union of what the two could be and designated each accordingly. He fashioned man to be the leader of the home - the one who protects, loves, cherishes, and provides. He fashioned the woman to be the helpmate - the one who supports, respects, nurtures, and bears offspring. Now, before you get angry at this, please know that I'm not just spouting off what I think is true. Just ask the Word. It's in there. And I've found that when we relent to be what God designed us to be, we typically find our sweet spot in life. Knowing your place is quite integral to figuring out who you are period. And not all women are cut out to be stay at home moms who knit, bake and host with the greatest of ease. I'm not saying that. I'm sharing how God has made us to interact as a wife, if you are one. Being your husband's equal in worth is absolute. Being his equal in the role you take is not.
Our culture has been slowly emasculating our men; so much so that men are now suffering from depression in staggering numbers not knowing their place in the world or throwing out the idea of marriage completely because they don't want to be the minion of their all-knowing, high-perfomring, supermom of a wife! Again, I'm not slamming women who want to be successful professionally. That can get in the way. However, I'm referring to the way we overreach our boundaries in our role as wives and usurping the authority of our men. Not cool. Sorry, ladies. If you want a happy man, let him be a man. He needs to be take charge of what your household stands for and lives out day to day. He needs to be the protector for what's best for your family. Not that you aren't part of that, but he is the leader. The point man. LET HIM LEAD!
Some of you may have husbands who don't want to lead. They may not have any initiative. They may find it the last thing they want to do to take charge over their family. But guess what? It's their God-given role and function no matter how they feel. So many women are taking the role of spiritual leader in their families because they have no other choice; their husbands are absent spiritually and don't give God a 2nd thought. This should not be. And yay, for the women who are bold & brave enough to step up into that role despite the overwhelming burden of functioning as both parents!
We women can be the catalyst for change though. A book I have thoroughly enjoyed reading and using throughout the years of marriage is "The Power Of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. Love that name. She has others that regard how to pray in different roles as well, which are also good. It gave me perspective on how to help my man become the husband and father I knew he could be. It wasn't through nagging or guilt. It was through prayer. It IS through prayer. One reason I can have peace in my marriage is because my husband doesn't feel threatened and on edge from my constant bickering and picking at him. And for those of you who know me, I'm HIGHLY critical by nature. This is no small task for me to hand the reigns to God and ask of Him to mold Monte into a great Christian man, husband & father. But it works! And works well.
There are so many scriptures on how we are to act in regards to our husbands. The most popular is probably in Ephesians 5:22-33 where Paul speaks on how we are to act towards each other as spouses and how it all relates to Christ's relationship to His bride, the church. This should be a beautiful and secure picture to women. We should be more than happy to submit to our husband's authority…as long as he submits to God's, right? Wrong. You submit to your husband even if he's an unbeliever unless he demands something unholy of you. This is one way he can be won over. More scripture. When we neglect to submit to our husbands, we are basically telling God that he got it all wrong and He can't possibly be serious in wanting us to submit to these men. You're essentially telling God that His plan stinks and you have to pick up your husband's slack or whatever. I can diagnose these problems as heart problems. Not the cardiac kind. The lack of Holy Spirit indwelling kind. Submitting to your husband is honorable and pleasing to God, who you husband also submits to. PLUS, your husband has a lofty charge that does NOT fall on your shoulders: loving you as he loves himself. He is to love as Christ who gave himself up for his bride, the church. When in scripture has God ever asked us ladies to do such? The answer - never. We are to submit to him, trusting that he will do what's best and knowing that he will be judged and held accountable by God, and we are to respect him. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Yes, Aretha. We love your song, but this is different. Respecting a man does something amazing inside of him. A man who is well respected by his wife can go anywhere and accomplish just about any great thing. YOU are a HUGE part of his success - at home, work, friendships, church, and the community. He always needs you as the biggest fan in his corner. And another integral part of your job is to come alongside him and be part of the process in figuring out what's best for your family. He may disagree, and that's on him if it's not a good choice. But men can handle it. It's their job.
We have such unique roles as husbands and wives. Just looking at the differences in our bodies should tell you that. And we have such an obligation to our husbands who deserve our best so they can be their best. Just because you submit to his authority doesn't mean you have to be a small minded, weak mouse of a woman. Trust me. He'll probably think it's sexy you have a brain that goes with your rocking' female bod! But he's the mouthpiece of your family. Let him speak and be heard. Respect who he is and who he can become. And by all means, PLEASE pray for the man. God can do much more good than you ever can with your human ways. Oh, and be sure to get frisky as often as he needs it. It's always good for an ego boost when his woman wants him. I've heard it said, "When you love what you do, you'll never work another day in your life." So true with my "job" as Monte's wife. So true. I love it. And wouldn't want it any other way. It's my job! :-)
God created this heavenly place on earth called the Garden of Eden and designed it perfectly. How can God do anything other than perfect, right? He's God! In this sacred, lovely, utopian place He formed man. He saw it was not good for man to be alone and proceeded to craft the magnificent form of a woman made from Adam's rib. Adam saw her and agreed with God that she was GOOD! Notice Eve didn't return the sentiment… :-) Kidding, boys. Kidding. But let's face it; women are God's masterpiece to the human eye in comparison. I think most men will agree with me.
So this gorgeous being is here for who? Ah, yes. FOR ADAM. It's not that God said woman would be worthless without him. God didn't deem her life less important because of the parts and role He gave her. No. He saw the perfect union of what the two could be and designated each accordingly. He fashioned man to be the leader of the home - the one who protects, loves, cherishes, and provides. He fashioned the woman to be the helpmate - the one who supports, respects, nurtures, and bears offspring. Now, before you get angry at this, please know that I'm not just spouting off what I think is true. Just ask the Word. It's in there. And I've found that when we relent to be what God designed us to be, we typically find our sweet spot in life. Knowing your place is quite integral to figuring out who you are period. And not all women are cut out to be stay at home moms who knit, bake and host with the greatest of ease. I'm not saying that. I'm sharing how God has made us to interact as a wife, if you are one. Being your husband's equal in worth is absolute. Being his equal in the role you take is not.
Our culture has been slowly emasculating our men; so much so that men are now suffering from depression in staggering numbers not knowing their place in the world or throwing out the idea of marriage completely because they don't want to be the minion of their all-knowing, high-perfomring, supermom of a wife! Again, I'm not slamming women who want to be successful professionally. That can get in the way. However, I'm referring to the way we overreach our boundaries in our role as wives and usurping the authority of our men. Not cool. Sorry, ladies. If you want a happy man, let him be a man. He needs to be take charge of what your household stands for and lives out day to day. He needs to be the protector for what's best for your family. Not that you aren't part of that, but he is the leader. The point man. LET HIM LEAD!
Some of you may have husbands who don't want to lead. They may not have any initiative. They may find it the last thing they want to do to take charge over their family. But guess what? It's their God-given role and function no matter how they feel. So many women are taking the role of spiritual leader in their families because they have no other choice; their husbands are absent spiritually and don't give God a 2nd thought. This should not be. And yay, for the women who are bold & brave enough to step up into that role despite the overwhelming burden of functioning as both parents!
We women can be the catalyst for change though. A book I have thoroughly enjoyed reading and using throughout the years of marriage is "The Power Of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. Love that name. She has others that regard how to pray in different roles as well, which are also good. It gave me perspective on how to help my man become the husband and father I knew he could be. It wasn't through nagging or guilt. It was through prayer. It IS through prayer. One reason I can have peace in my marriage is because my husband doesn't feel threatened and on edge from my constant bickering and picking at him. And for those of you who know me, I'm HIGHLY critical by nature. This is no small task for me to hand the reigns to God and ask of Him to mold Monte into a great Christian man, husband & father. But it works! And works well.
There are so many scriptures on how we are to act in regards to our husbands. The most popular is probably in Ephesians 5:22-33 where Paul speaks on how we are to act towards each other as spouses and how it all relates to Christ's relationship to His bride, the church. This should be a beautiful and secure picture to women. We should be more than happy to submit to our husband's authority…as long as he submits to God's, right? Wrong. You submit to your husband even if he's an unbeliever unless he demands something unholy of you. This is one way he can be won over. More scripture. When we neglect to submit to our husbands, we are basically telling God that he got it all wrong and He can't possibly be serious in wanting us to submit to these men. You're essentially telling God that His plan stinks and you have to pick up your husband's slack or whatever. I can diagnose these problems as heart problems. Not the cardiac kind. The lack of Holy Spirit indwelling kind. Submitting to your husband is honorable and pleasing to God, who you husband also submits to. PLUS, your husband has a lofty charge that does NOT fall on your shoulders: loving you as he loves himself. He is to love as Christ who gave himself up for his bride, the church. When in scripture has God ever asked us ladies to do such? The answer - never. We are to submit to him, trusting that he will do what's best and knowing that he will be judged and held accountable by God, and we are to respect him. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Yes, Aretha. We love your song, but this is different. Respecting a man does something amazing inside of him. A man who is well respected by his wife can go anywhere and accomplish just about any great thing. YOU are a HUGE part of his success - at home, work, friendships, church, and the community. He always needs you as the biggest fan in his corner. And another integral part of your job is to come alongside him and be part of the process in figuring out what's best for your family. He may disagree, and that's on him if it's not a good choice. But men can handle it. It's their job.
We have such unique roles as husbands and wives. Just looking at the differences in our bodies should tell you that. And we have such an obligation to our husbands who deserve our best so they can be their best. Just because you submit to his authority doesn't mean you have to be a small minded, weak mouse of a woman. Trust me. He'll probably think it's sexy you have a brain that goes with your rocking' female bod! But he's the mouthpiece of your family. Let him speak and be heard. Respect who he is and who he can become. And by all means, PLEASE pray for the man. God can do much more good than you ever can with your human ways. Oh, and be sure to get frisky as often as he needs it. It's always good for an ego boost when his woman wants him. I've heard it said, "When you love what you do, you'll never work another day in your life." So true with my "job" as Monte's wife. So true. I love it. And wouldn't want it any other way. It's my job! :-)
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