Don't worry. This isn't R rated, but I wouldn't say it's for young eyes either. Some young people can romanticize what I write and somehow justify it in their adolescent, immature brains to be the same in their relationships. Wrong. So please don't allow this to be read solo by teens or unmarried young adults. If you want your teen or young adult to read it, please sit with him/her and help him/her unload and unpack what this all means and its proper place in marriage.
God designed us to enjoy each other sexually. Did you catch the bold, italicized words? Yes, enjoy sexually. Yay! You should be doing your happy dance right now. Even if you have a difficult time with being sexually satisfied due to physiological issues, this should still be an exciting and sacred part of your marriage where you and your partner can engage each other in an extremely intimate and personal way. Plus, you alone are responsible for his sexual enjoyment. Be THE expert on this! The connection you have should be yours alone. No one else is welcome to take part in your marriage bed, right? Whether physically or in conversation. It should not be a point of discussion in a detailed sense and NEVER to demean or criticize your husband. This is a big no-no. I can't even emphasize that enough.
In the event you are having issues sexually, you may need to talk to somebody. And you know who that somebody is??? Your husband. Say what??? Are you crazy? Yes, but in a productive, sensible way. It may go against you natural tendency; however, it's the only way to reach a place of great contentment and ecstasy in your sexual realm of marriage. I hear women complain about sex, especially as newlyweds. I got sick of hearing it and finally started telling these ladies that the only people who should know about this and hear about it is their husbands. Those men are the ONLY ones who can fix the problems. Having that level of security with you is one way he shows he trusts you. Would you be okay with him disclosing intimate details about you to his friends? Absolutely not and that would be shameful and shallow of him. How is this any different? So if you have an issue, talk about it with your man. If you guys still can't figure things out, then find someone who is licensed and specially trained to handle sex in marriage.
Now we can venture onto the world of sexual fulfillment. Buckle up!
For you newlyweds or young marrieds:
Take heart. Sex is probably a new adventure for you both or at least together. The typical mastery of anything is 10,000 hours of practice/repetition. With the average sexual encounter lasting 3-11 minutes, do you think you'll get there in a month or two? Doubtful. And men, that's no slam to you. It's just truth. This area of our marriages is a divine place to grow with each other and become closer with each union. So with this in mind be realistic about how sex will be and allow yourself & your spouse some grace in becoming better for each other. The fantasy sex that you see on TV or movies probably won't ever be what you discover because it's not realistic or practical, but you WILL find great sexual fulfillment & enjoyment the longer you are married. This adventure to great sex is a journey. Enjoy it!
For you couples who have been married longer than a couple of years:
This encompasses a wide range of ages and experiences, which means it can't be cookie cutter. But there are benchmarks that should be happening in your marriage sexually for most all couples after being together more than 2 or so years:
1. Your frequency may have decreased, but the quality is increasing.
2. Your sexual realm of what is involved is broader and more creative.
3. You can tell when your partner is having issues either with sex or in another area of your relationship.
4. Your inhibitions are slowly deteriorating. It should progress more/faster the longer you are married.
5. Sexual climax will/should become a normal experience for everyone. If not, you may have physiological issues that your doc can address. At the very least, you know that you can reach sexual climax consistently if given the proper circumstances.
6. You will be more open and communicate more clearly about your sexual desires and likes & dislikes.
7. You'll eventually reach 10,000 hours!!!!!! Graduate of sex mastery. Congrats.
No matter what your sex life is like now, you can make it better if you are both willing to persist. The central theme of your sex life needs to be FUN or ENJOYMENT. When you think of things that are fun or that you enjoy, it should start to get the creative juices flowing and open a new chapter into the realm of sex for you both.
If you aren't quite ready to have a sit down over coffee with your spouse, grab a good book on sex. Take notes or highlight and find out how you want to broach the topic.
A note for men:
Give your girl some time & space to get to where she needs to be. It should not take her forever, but it will probably take her a little longer than you. Or maybe a lot. :-) I remember my mother-in-law once saying, "Men are like microwaves, and women are like crockpots." That is typical. Don't expect your woman to be on the same page since you're raring with testosterone. And be advised that your job in the sack is much more about thoughtfulness outside of the sack. Get your "choreplay" on and make it impossible for her not to be uber grateful (wink, wink). Another tidbit - since women's bodies are vastly different in how they react sexually, you need to be learning how she works. There are great books on sexual plateau and what that means for you and her. It's like being a master play producer where everyone & everything has to be at the right place at the right time. This needs to be your art. Study her.
A note for women:
Alright, sister. If you are stalling, you need to quit. Straight up. Sex is crucial to your man's health & sanity. Don't be the reason he doesn't enjoy being married. You should be the prized jewel in the marriage that is his. Enjoy & be enjoyed. I'd like to strongly encourage you to remember that your husband does NOT think like you. There is no leg shaving requirement for sex. There is no necessary amount of sleep before or after sex. There is a tunnel with his eyes fixed on you when it comes to sex. Start practicing that tunnel with your eyes fixed only on him. Why not enjoy 20-30 minutes of time not spent worrying about laundry, dishes, grocery lists, and packing lunches? If your dress shirt for work is a tad wrinkled the next day because you had sex instead of ironing, so be it. You left your man in good order. Way more important. When we ladies insist on the stars aligning and the world to spin at just the right axis in order to have sex, we rob ourselves of joy; not just joy for our husbands, but also joy for ourselves. You know how good it feels to have done something well. You have the opportunity to have that accomplished feeling 2-3 times each week! And please, don't take offense to your husband rolling over and falling asleep when you're done. It just means you did your job well! Savor your victory. Then go read your book or paint your toenails or finish the ironing.
If you can't tell, I'm ALL for healthy marriages sexually. If your marriage isn't healthy enough to where you can fully engage sexually, start there and work forward to that point. If it's a situation where it's easier said than done, then start praying and employ others you trust to pray with you. God loves to hear us, especially when it's to get better at honoring Him with our lives & marriages. And if it never comes to pass, just know that God has given us a place to enjoy that outdoes sex by a long shot! You will have a great fulfillment someday. He is the ultimate satisfaction for our souls.
No comments:
Post a Comment